Apostrophic Alliteration
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Wednesday, July 21, 2004 (704/227)
ISSN 1482-0471
Part I: Apostrophic
This past Saturday was witness to one of the proudest moments of my life. I made a difference. A small, anonymous difference, but that doesn't matter.
About a week ago my mother and I stopped at a local ice cream shop, one that you wait outside among little league teams and harrased parents. As my mother and I were standing in line, I noticed a sign on the window: "Now open Sunday's".
I immediately went off on a diatribe about the misuse of the apostrophe.
A few minutes into my rant, a man sitting on a bench asked what was wrong.
"There's an apostrophe in Sundays," I said. "An apostrophe denotes possesiveness. There shouldn't be one since it's just plural."
"Oh," says the man. "Is she an English teacher?" he asks my mother.
"No, she's just weird about apostrophes."
He seemed interested in this but remained on the parkbench while my mother and I get our ice cream. While we're sitting in the car eating, the man goes into the building. I'm all excited about him apparently working there, but the sign is still in the window. Plus, we notice an additional sign on the street, like one you'd see in front of a house for sale, with
the same legend: "Now open Sunday's". There's another on the other side of the building.
I rant a bit again, shaking my head at this horrible affliction that seemingly affects half of all english speakers (and writers). And these signs look professionally done, unlike the PC made sign in the window. You'd think that people who print signs for a LIVING would have at least a rudimentary knowledge of punctuation.
But then, last Saturday, while visiting the same ice cream parlour and planning on ranting a bit more about the signs I see they now read "Now open on Sunday s".
A victory of the English language! And a small one on my part. I made a difference. I swelled with pride and grinned like an idiot for a day or two.
But one small correction in a town full of shit like that isn't much of a victory. I see apostrophes where they shouldn't be almost everyday. And the days I don't see one is the day I see a word lacking one. If I can change it myself (by way of white out or a properly colored pen) I do. As a nod to Jason MacIsaac's "Being Mis-Quoted" I have a habit of coloring in the quotes on a sign that reads 'Find the Right "Bra"' in a local dressing room. Quotes bug me too, but that article has already been written.
Part II: Alliteration
Americans are all about alliteration. Which is fine by me, as long as you don't change the spelling of a word in order to make an alliterative phrase.
There are numerous restaurants named The Kountry Kitchen. Or stores called Kids' (or Kids or Kid's) Korner. Now, I can barely understand why someone, for the sake of cuteness or memorability, would change a letter. But what I cannot fathom is why there is a restaurant in this county called the Korn Krib. THE KORN KRIB! Now come on, people. Corn Crib would've been just fine for a name. Especially for a restaurant in a frickin' grain elevator. (Yes, that's right. Two grain elevators, in fact.) Why would you change both first letters of something? I could go on for hours about this, and only say what I've already said. So I'll stop in a minute.
The one exception, because you have to have them, is Krispy Kreme doughnuts. That shit's so good they can spell their company name however the hell they want to. Plus they spell doughnut right.
Melissa DeWilde is unemployed, not in school, her car just broke down and she can't wait for people to pick apart her punctuation in this article.
Comments
12 comments found
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>The one exception, because you have to have them, is Krispy Kreme doughnuts. That shit's so good they can spell their company name however the hell they want to. Plus they spell doughnut right.
First of all, I couldn't agree more. Secondly... I smiled about the doughnut being spelled right thing. :)
So egomaniacle he thought it was about him,
Smitty-boy
I mean could you be any more anal? Maybe I need to send Dan over?
I second all you said.
What really gets my goat (m-e-e-e-h-h) is the incorrect use of grammar on TV. You'd think that the (allegedly educated) people in charge would know how to spell properly instead of spreading their grammatical ignorance to a mass-audience, those grammar-mangling illiterate cnuts!
I absolutely agree about abhorrent abuse of apostrophes, and must append an annoyance about commas. (perhaps I should've misspelled comma to continue the alliteration? [As per the previous sentence, and not mentioned in the article, although most likely in your rant, apostrophes can also be used for contractions {not that kind, get your mind out of the gutter!}])
The commonality of comma corruption is cloying. There is a sign near the vehicle bay at my work that reads,
THE TOOLS IN THIS ROOM,
DO NOT LEAVE THIS ROOM
Not only was the comma unnecessary in that statement, but it also caused an imbalance in the monospaced typeset, in turn causing one line to be longer than the other, when, had they not used the causeless comma, they would have been equal. (Commas may also be used to form run-on sentences)
You're right. Commas bug me too, but I'm not so anal about them. Plus I'm not always so certain about their placement. You can correct this entry if you want.
But when I see a missplaced or missing apostrophe out in the world I actually cringe and make a fuss about it. I also look around for any materials available to perform a bit of property defacement in order to fix it. My friends are all sick of being out with me and hearing me scream a bit, then look around for a marker.
As for contractions, they're not screwed up as often as plurals and possesives. At least, not in the real world. But the horrible spelling and punctuation of people on the internet has already been covered in this magazine.
I was going to outline a few simple rules for our misunderstood friend, the comma here, but it seems that there are more than a few cases where commas are compliant. For this, a lengthy link seems logical:
http://webster.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm
I suppose the intrinsic issue in this grammar gripe is the lack of proper preparation of our students in our schools for script. An issue of which I'm sure we're both adequately aware. (Teaching to the test and the supposed significance of sports are salient)
Unfortunately, the prevailing perspective is that the iniquity is insignificant and the connotation is conveyed.
So, it seems only the upper echelons are enticed by good grammar and proper punctuation. That being true, we should be able to nobly nod at the poor peons whose lack of literacy validates our very position in the pole of the preposterous structure we call society. Instead it seems we try in earnest to educate those lower on the ladder.
A lost cause?
At the cost of sanity, no.
I love that misplaced comma, because it may change the meaning of the sign. It contains the command "DO NOT LEAVE THIS ROOM". I picture the vehicle bay filled with hapless, frozen employees.
I see how apostrophes in the English language can be confusing for the everyday idiot, considering that they're used quite often and quite often not. But consider a language where you don't use apostrophes for possessiveness in front or after the s. German only has like a single case of using an apostrophe in everyday speech. One.
And still there are people that use it for denoting plurality. I have seen a sign saying something like "Camera-Battery's" in a large electronics store here. It's like a stab in the chest. I wish I had had my camera with me.
It reminds me of the people who spell "smilies" "smiley's". On the topic of professionally done grammar rape, consult this picture I took in Prague:
http://kris.heim.at/da.jpg
The plural form of "Smiley" is "Smileys," not "Smilies."
[INSERT HUGE FUCKING GRINNING SMILEY]
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=smileys
I find it interesting that you are so disturbed by someone's misuse of an apostrophe when you can't seem to stick to one tense in telling your story.
Personally I try and leave out the apostrophe from contractions like 'dont' 'couldnt' etc. because it is pro-evolution of the language much like 'cop' evolved out of C.O.P. (citizen on patrol). Why fight the growth of the species?
<3
revscrj
You guys have no f-u-cking life! Poindexter is a pseudo-intellectual as most of you are.