Arranged marriages

You should grow your hair and marry the first sucker who's willing. You're giving your parents grey hair with your "personality". :)

I think your doing the right thing!! like who or what gives your parents the right to tell you who to marry. like really! oh well, keep it up.

Like totally
for sure

I just turned 16 years old when I was forced to marry who i am with. At that age the mother in law thinks that she can keep you in her control for ever. I am now 27 and have 3 children, i too live with the extended family. She even took my pay cheque. Just last year i started keeping it and now I have bought a house. I get treated like cinderlla everyday. Of course my husband does not see it and defends them. I say girls stick up for your selves....

YOU SHOULDNT BE CONSIDERED AN INDIAN, YOU SHOULD CONSIDER YOURSELF AN AMERICAN. WHY DO YOU THINK INDIA IS SO MUCH BETTER OFF MARRIAGE AND SOCIETY WISE. IT IS BECAUSE THEY LISTEN TO WHAT THERE PARENTS WANT. NO GOOD PARENTS ARE EVER GOING TO WANT BAD FOR THEIR CHILDREN, SO WHY DONT YOU JUST GO ALONG WITH WHAT THEY WANT. IN THE LONG RUN IT WILL BE BENIFICIAL. THATS WHATS WRONG WITH AMERICA TODAY, THEY HAVE THIS "ITS MY LIFE AND I KNOW WHAT I WANT ATTITUDE" AND LOOK AT THEM. THEY HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS SOCIALLY, ESPECIALLY THE YOUNG KIDS. I AM INDIAN AND WAS BORN AND RAISED IN AMERICA, I STILL FEEL VERY STRONGLY ABOUT THE INDIAN CULTURE, IT WORKS FOR A REASON.

Hey you ... I feel sorry for you and for your parents at the same time.. I know what you are saying and I also understand your parents ponmt of view. Let me tell you a little about myself first. I have been going out with a guy, whom parents totally disapprove for the last two years of my life. I am very much in love with him and see myself with him someday. But my parents have thought otherwise, they want a guy who is Bengali, Muslim and from Harvard or one of the Ivy Leagues. They want a guy whose family is politically well known in the country I am orginally from. My Grand Father is a former minister of my country. So the expect me too marry someone who is from the same social background as I. But my boyfriend's family live in the states and are well-settled here. They are not very well-off but at the same time they are managing everything fine. So for the last 2 years I have been going through a lot with my parents as well as my boyfriend. I always tell him that I will try my best to have a future with him despite the fact that my parents have already started looking for guys for me. I have got 4 or 5 proposals and I have rejected all of them, even though the guys were all Ivy Leagues. And due to how things have been gong with my parents, my boyfirend and I both had fights and had occasional breakups, but it wasnt serious. Anyways, to make the long story short, my boyfriend transfered to a new university and a new campus. Two weeks ago he dumped me saying that he cant deal with me and my family problems anymore. Later, I got to know that there is another girl in his life. Thus, I believe that relationships based on love or whatever the Western Society calls it will not last. So my whole point of responding to your mail is- Dont expect too much out of self-chosen marriages. It can break down on you any minute. At least if you get into an arranged marriage the guy will think a hundred times before going behind your back. Also, you will get support from your famly and even you in-laws if the guy is wrong. Arranged marriages dont necessarily mean that you have to stay with your inlaws or give them your pay-cheques. So whatever decision you make, think a 100 times before committing. Good luck! May God make your and your parents wishes come true at the same time.
P.S. I am planning on hooking up with the next guy my parents bring.

Hey, it does not matter if it is your life. U should think about how much your parents care about u and they want what is best for u. eventhough, u chose to marry someone that u want, u will still be bringing that girl home into your own parents house who they don't approve of. so, do u think that wife for your will live a good life? hey, ur responsibility is keeping respect and the prestige for your family and taking care of them and also listening what they have to say. if u reject them in any way, u will be the one who will end up in the pit and god knows, if ur parents will listen to u to or not. so don't become an American becasue American weddings don't tend to out last long...
so good luck, and let your parents decide the best for u becuase they took their responsibility of rasing u.

In response to "I DONT AGREE"

In my opinion arranged marriages are a personal thing, which may work for some and not for others.

An arranged marriage is a union of two families which may not necessarily focus on the married couple. If a couple is having marital problems they tend to stay together because of family obligations, instead of themselves.

With the Aids rate being so high in India, I would be very scared to marry someone who I haven't dated. The Indian culture is changing and parents need to meet their children half way.

There are many inter-caste and inter-religion marriages occurring in India, so in a way, a "revolution" has started all over the world.

By the way, I am not an American, I am a Canadian who is very proud to be a Punjabi, Sikh. I can read and write Hindi and Punjabi fluently so I am not a "white wash person". I just happened to have an open mind and see the world in a different light. Marriage in my view is a gamble, which may or may not be successful, depending on the two people. Therefore, with the new generation, one cannot impose old tradition values.

In response to "U should listen"

My question to you is, have you ever been in love? From your comment, you sound like a typical Indian male. Being a woman, I will not allow an oppressive society to control me.

Where as, keeping respect and prestige for my family, I am an ideal daughter who supports and fulfills her duties but will make her own choices in life.

If I was a radical bitch, I would have left home and told my parents to piss off but instead I chose to live with my parents. As their daughter, I help out and take care of the household stuff. I feel that one day my family will accept and love my boyfriend, the way I do. I have been fighting for seven years and will still continue to do so until I get married.

In Sikhism one is taught to follow the path of truth and I intend to follow this route.

In reponse to "I know what your saying":

I am sorry to hear that things did not work out for you. Being involved with someone from a different culture is not very easy, it's a commitment and hard work.

Your experience reminds me of an Hindi proverb that says: "pyar tow eek tapasia heh". "Love is a stream of hardship and a form of worship." I believe in this world it is very difficult to find a compatible mate; however, if an individual's love is true than he or she can conquer all.

Hey I wrote "I know what you are saying" .. I dont know if i confused u .. but the guy and i are from the same country(Bangladesh) n religious background(muslim)..And we both live in North America now. So, u will probably think "What's bugging your parents then?" My parents have noses that are way up in the sky somewhere. And they want a "famliy thats made of gold if not Diamonds" . Anyways, but I guess it doesnt matter anymore as my boyfriend has alrady dumped me..So I'll hook up with the next guy my parents bring if I hapeen to like him .. Ill let you guys know once I do. Anyways, enough about me. Till next time. Adios!

if ur parents really care about you and what's in your best interest, they should let you make the decision. I LOVE MY INDIA~

There is nuthing worng in ur parents looking for a person for u, a person who they think will suit u best. ur parents have been with u ur whole life, they know u better then u know urself. love is a load of crap, like most people say love marriages dont work out and i agree. ok u may think u can find someone better but like that u dont look at his/her family and thats where it gets all messed up aftre marriage. i think people who are against arranged marriages are talking about forced marriages and there is a big difference!!!

I completely sympathise with what you are going through but am full of admiration at your strength, determination and postive attitude. I particularly like the way you are proud of who and what you are which many individuals choose to ignore.
I met a guy at university who just happened to be the same caste and religion as me. We married and now have a child together. Despite this, my in-laws treat me as a complete outsider and have no regard for me at all. I feel as though I am living under arranged marriage circumstances because they are quite eager to take over when it suits them! However, I am determined to bide my time and maintain my faith in God. Hang on in there and good luck with everything.

your right, i have a small story to tell about this that i am experiencing right now...

me and a girl at my school like each other quite a bit, but she doesnt want to go out with me because shes afraid i'll fall in love with her. she is afraid of this because she is already in an arranged marriage, she is only 14 and has not married yet. i am desperately trying to help her out of this situation, but i dont know what to do. i sent her this article just now as a means to show her that she isnt the only one and doesnt actually have to follow through with this.

i ask anyone who know if they can help me or not to write me an email to- simpson_16@swirvemail.com -

i would greatly apreciate any help or simple emails sent to me

thank you for writing this miss sangha, its is a very good article

being an american all my life, seeing those comments about short lived american marriages is an offence to me, mayn marriages are short lived all over the world, amercians have been singled out because we have stuck our necks out into the world as being "the most different", there are arranged marriages here that are also short lived too, so if you think thats its a matter of who your chosing and not your parents chosing for you that is wrong, then wake up, you obviously have no clue what it means to be a human with rights, for those who care not to pay attention- the first article in the american constituion states that all people have the right too life, liberty and the purtuit of hapiness- i bid you farewell and ask you to never patronize something you dont fully understand again (such as the united states, aka "the great melting pot" or "the mosaic")

sorry for this long opionated response, it is only one of an american, as you know, we are some of the heavily opinionated peoples in the world (and controversial)

thanks for the article- i fully agree!

jack

hey lissen..im a 16 year old sikh girl...and i for one believe that u shud do exactly wut u think is right for u...my parents used to be so strict..they were totally against my sister even looking at boys..but now..shes married..to a man of which she chose..i recently told my parents about my boyfrd..i explained everything to them..and they lissened becuz wut i was saying was logical...i said it in such a manner that they cud not yell bak at me..or threaten to kick me out of the house..i was calm and collected..and knew exactly wut i needed to say...thats wut u need to do girl...let everything out calmy..with facts and issues and emotions...good luck

I haven't read the entire postings for this topic; just the last one. here's some constructive criticism ok...

it's great that you're 16 and have a boyfriend an all but it really doesn't matter. not to mention spelling like a six year old isn't impressive.

SO PLEASE... for christ's sake.... WHEN YOU POST OR WRITE ANYTHING SPELL OUT THE WHOLE FUCKING WORD!!!

In the perspective of materialistic psychology, love is just an emotional attachment process. This sounds so plain, but nevertheless is the basis on which some interesting phenomena can be explained.

In a large part of Asia marriages are still arranged by parents and families. Arrangements are often made on purely rational grounds. In countries as different as Jordan and Cambodia, daughters are usually married to distant relatives. Everybody knows about arranged marriages in India or Saudi Arabia where fathers decide who gets their daughters. In rural Thailand and in Cambodia, it's the mother, not the daughter, who has to be asked.

The amazing thing is that statistics prove that arranged marriages are no less happy, and even more stable, than so-called love marriages as they are entered into by young couples in the West.

Through the ages, mothers have comforted their young daughters by the time they where married off that they don't have to worry; love will come by itself. And so it does.

To a certain extent, love is just the psychological result of extreme closeness. As long as the two primary parties involved in an arranged marriage treat each other decently (which means, in accordance to the customs of a place), and as long as the social foundation is sound and the union blessed by the two families involved, love indeed will usually evolve. Sexual intercourse is the extreme closeness out of which it results.

As long as Western ideas of a sexually fulfilled live for the female part don't disturb such unions, they are amazingly harmonious though often a bit dull. This is because in a large number of primarily Asian countries from the Arab peninsula to Korea, women traditionally are of the belief that sexual satisfaction is something largely for men.

However, in some of these countries, Western influence has provoked a sexual revolution of sorts. And like in the West in the sixties and seventies of the past century, the sexual revolution is first of all a media event. Women's magazines, for example, publish articles about the sexual satisfaction of women, thereby raising expectations. Young wives who previously thought that nothing was wrong with them, would now wonder why they don't experience those contractions called orgasm when they are copulated with by their husbands. And unmarried women become curious and willing to try intercourse.

Western experience teaches that sex is best during, not after sexual revolutions. There is a specific sexual attractiveness to the breaking of taboos. But this attractiveness can only be felt when on the one hand, traditions are still strong enough to make for an unclear conscience, and on the other hand, an atmosphere of sexual revolution raises reward expectations from the breaking of these taboos.

Whether better sex makes for better love, is still an open question. Sexual revolutions with a component of recognizing women's sexual expectations have the common characteristic of making a large number of men feel like losers. This results from the fact that traditional sexual techniques are usually inadequate to fulfill the expectations of women who assert their right to be satisfied. And men in such transitional societies usually also lack the psychological techniques to provoke love in the competition-driven sexual market place we are used to in the West.

Here and there, now and then, love manifests itself in the exclusivity by which a human female wants to accept only a specific human male as sexual partner, and actually only imagines that specific male in this role. In traditional, pre-sexual revolution Asian societies, women who are strongly bound into specific roles by customs and traditions, and who have very low sexual expectations, would easily comply with this definition of love. Traditionally, they are not only faithful in deed but in thought as well. They often enough wouldn't even dream of another male, regardless of whether they experience sexual satisfaction with the one they are with, or not.

To achieve this dedication on the part of a woman in a market economy of sex and love, is, of course, much more challenging. And that's what this essay is all about.

U shud listen to u'r parents. they gave u birth, they bought u u'r clothes, they fed u, they put u in skool. u shud listen to them and do wat they want. they'll find u the best and if u dont like the guy they've chose tell them and they'll find u another.

It is beyond puzzling how much "advice" (in lack of a better word) comes from people landing on this article.

But my major concern isn't the brainwashed commentary from the majority of those that have read and replied here.

My concern is everyone's inability to write a sentence that's spelled properly and at the very least remotely coherent.

Please, do yourself and everyone else a favour: before you post your half-assed replies, make sure they are written in such a way to at least resemble English. While your comment may be idiotic, a properly written response may make it less obvious.

I am a 24 year old East Indian Woman. I was born and raised in England, and then moved to Canada. I agree that parents should allow their children to make up their own mind about their futures. I agree that parents love their children, and that parents want the best for their children. However, no one knows you like you do. You know who you would get along with, and who you would not. You know what you want, and what you don't want. Not your parents. I have an example. My parents told me about this one guy. He's a nice guy, wants to get settled, has his masters in something, 6ft, goodlooking and wears a turban. Personally, I would prefer someone who does not wear a turban. That's my personal preference. Parents need to respect your choice in what you want to do. However, you also need to respect your parents.

it is true, arranged marriages do work, but at a great cost. They only work if one spouse is ready to submit him/her self to the authourity of the other

there is a tiny chance that the marriage will be very happy but at least it might give your parents happiness at cost of your wellbeing

If they love you and care for you they will let you be an independant person and decide for yourself, instead of carring to keep you within an "appropriat" circle of people, in the way that they define it

Finding your own partner gives you a possibility to fall in love but also to develop respect for one another which will be the basis of the marriage instead of submition

Hi! My name is Kary and I'm originally from Peru (South America). Well I was searching the web to see what kind of sites they had on arranged marriages and I came across this one. I'm a Psychology student in the state of Virginia and I'm doing a paper on Arranged Marriages vs Love Marriages, and based on the research--Well there's not much marital satisfaction, happiness or love in arranged marriages, yes they are much more successful than Love or American marriages, but for the most part arranged couples stay together for family and honor reasons and the family gets involved so the marriage never really has any conflicts either because women are submissive or because the family gets involved, tradition has changed in many aspects, I read a journal article where Indian families now allowed the children to meet the groom date them and finally the child has the last word-- still is an arranged marriage but at least the children have some saying. What happens to the psychological issues of the individual? or in this case the female when they have to have intimacy with a stranger. I want someone to answer that question and naturally it has to be a female cause only a female experiences the pain and uncomfortable feeling of giving yourself to a total stranger. I know religion and beliefs are important in your culture and I respect that but I think arranged marriages can work for certain people- not everyone is submissive and if you are raised in American culture you are already exposed to freedom and therefore wanting to be yourself and make your decisions. I have a great respect for Arranged marriages but I also consider the psychological part of what a female might go thru-Maybe if I had been born into this culture I would feel differently -- I have a great respect for parents, and I do understandd what their responsibilites are to their children but they have to realize that their children are now exposed to American culture and therefore they have to work with it and try to make the best arrangement for the best. I had a male friend who worked in immigration for a couple of years and he was trying to get into my pants well-- I was only 20 and well I had other priorities - I was thought to get marry a virgin and well I wasn't about to just be irresponsible-- well not only did he manipulated the situation,he stated that if i wanted a job in the immigration office I had to be sexally involved with him-- now i did know his background so i said "You know I may be an American, but here in America not every female it's up for sale" Did you know this man just totally claimed to love me and well I never even consider the possibility or even dating him-- 2 months later he was in India getting marry to a 16 year old his parents had arranged for him. One year later this 16 year old ran away and left him-- she was originally from India had never been in the United States-- I guess she realized she could be herself and make her own decisions so she did and ran away and got herself an education. She is now a lawyer and happily marry.

Hey, I kind of know what you are going through and what I have to say is, think about it. If you arent sure right now, think about it for a while. You should know that youre parents are experienced at this kind of stuff. They know what its like and if it wasnt good they wouldnt be doing it. They only do what they think is best for you.

I also think that you should just meet some of the guys that youre parents are arranging for you to meet. You never know you might end up liking one of them. If you dont, then tell youre parents how you feel. If there is some guy that you might want to marry tell your parents and they might arrange that. Its worth a try and dont be scared to stick up for youself.You are right,its your life so try to make the right decisions.Smething that looks really bad might turn out good.Whats meant to be will happen.Good Luck!

P.S From all of the arranged marriages that I have seen they have all turned out very good, better then a love marriage would have. If love wasnt there before it devolops.

It was quite intresting to read everyones thoughts and I must admit this is a very sensitive topic and very subjective to your own life experiences and what you percieve to be a love or arranged ammriage. I'm of Indian origin living in the west for the last 7 years. I came here with all the aspirations for the west...! all this time I must say I did go through some challenging times where I had to compare the two cultures I feel I now belong to. I find it hard to let go of my Indian values because thats who Iam but at the same time I feel the west is such full of promises and oppurtunities I would be a fool to ignore either. coming to the question of arranged marriage I think the arranged marriages are truly misunderstood these days. While in the older times they were forced upon people nowadays the choice is always in your hands. Having said that now seriusly think about it, what is love ? its about understanding, I feel if you have the courage to love someone unconditionally wouldnt that be great...we often start by saying what we want from others but not with wht we are willing to give....! I feel thats what is great about Indian women and arranged marriages they are there for you all the time no matter what...I think that great...and thats what pulls th family together...most often than not its the men who screw it up(not generalising but...its the truth)...I'm having an arranged marriage and my frind whom I have know for 9 months now is the most beautiful person in the world, I feel if I give her my best she will never let me down...sorry for the long reply but its hard to capture everything in few lines...all I'm saying is, its you whos just as responsible to make the marriage work wether its arranged or love, dont start it all with expectations from your end....if you start by thinking my space...my life....my freedom...obviously you havent met the right person.....after all marriage is about sharing and compromise.....think about it ! its not about how you are marrying but who, dosent matter if its love or arranged...!

wish you all the best and hope you all find the right person like I have...:)

S

Arranged Marriages

I am for arranged marriages because you are building a family a new life with someone that you know (if that is the case) and you know their family and you know that you can get on with them. There are up sides in arranged marriages and down side, the up sides can be you get to marry someone that you can trust to be loyal to you. The downsides are like you might not find them attractive, you might just not like them, you might not like there family. The conclusion is this:

If you have an arranged marriage where you are being forced to marry someone that you dislike I think that is wrong because you don’t know the person you don’t know their family, you don’t know what kind of things they like and a whole lot more about them. So I think forcing people to marry someone they do not like is wrong and it should not happen. But sometimes this does happen because of religious purposes, this I cannot argue with because it depends on the family they are living with and what they want to do to follow their religion.

If you have an arranged marriage where you have known the person for a very long time and you know their family and all about them then I think it is a very big advantage. But if you know all the things at the above still there might be something else, you yourself might not want to marry that person, you might want to marry someone more your type but your parents force you, I also think that is wrong. In marriages there should be no forcing what so ever.

I just wish someone would arrange a marriage
for me (preferably to a beautiful, wealthy polyamorous, smoker okay with recreational drug use and my liberal use of familial funds).

<3
REVSCRJ

Well, on this subject, I'm a 20-year old asian-american female, and my family comes from Southeast Asia. I currently live with my parents and I've been engaged to a wonderful, hardworking Italian man for over a year now, although my parents don't know about it. My mother thinks that I don't date, and she's trying to arrange a marriage with one of her friend's sons, who is 8 years older than me and fits all of my mom's requirements...which aren't mine. My parents are racist, and they believe that I should be 'taken care of' as well as extremely subservient. Honestly, now! I'm an anarcho-syndicalist-neopagan-liberal, and I have my own opinions and beliefs. I believe in equality and love...why would I get into a permanent relationship with someone I don't know, who may or may not make me happy? I'd rather be with a poor man who treats me well than a 'well-off' man who I don't know, who is possibly a spousal abuser and whatnot. This is frustrating. My mother's actions are hurting me so...and I can't bring my fiancee into the picture because of my parents' racism and bigotry. I was born and raised in America, with American ideals...so why all the sudden the culture shock?

I have read what everybody is saying about arranged marriages in the Indian culture and I think it is a crock of MESS!!! I am a black male and my wife is Indian. I understand the culture however I feel people should have a choice. We have been together for 10 years and have a 9 year old son and we love each other very much. I understand parents want the best for their chldren but let them make their own decisions on who they want to marry. My inlaws have never opened their arms to embrace me into their family because I am black. If I was an Indian male that drank all the time and beat my wife they would treat me like a son-in-law. Is that CRAZY or what? I live in America and in America adults make their own decisions. For the Indian people making their own decisions getting married to who they fall in love with I say Congratulations.

I dreamed f being in an arranged marriage from a past life. The person still resents me for it. Don't go there.

Whilst reading your article I felt like I was reading about my own life. I am currently going through the same situation. Things have "come to a head" so to speak and my parents' final and simple stance is that by marrying out of caste, people will talk about me and by extension them, and they cannot deal with that. This to me is an ignorance in themselves that is unfortunately going to make them lose their daughter.

I have made a decision to go ahead with my marriage without them. They have repeatedly stated that they made a mistake in not controlling me enough and think that I am "too Canadian" to think that I have any right to self-governance. My mother in particular has always told me that myself and my siblings should have complete and total loyalty to her, and that if she ever told us to jump off of a cliff, we should listen to her without question, as any "good, grateful" child would do.

Maybe it's because I was born here; maybe it is the changing nature of women's rights; but in any case I think that there is only one person who will without fail spend the rest of your life with, and it is YOURSELF. You answer only to yourself and as such have to do what feels right to you. If you make a mistake, it is your own and you deal with it. If you are happy, it is because of your own doing and you should be grateful to no one but yourself.

To those who do think that complete and total control by parents because they "know best" -- what do you do when the parents who dictated your life to you are no longer there?

To the author of the article, all the best to you. My prayers are with you and everyone else going through what you and I are.

This poem is one that all parents should read, in particular those who think that they have a right to control their grown children "for their own good"...

"On Children"
By Kahlil Gibran Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in you dreams.

You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward not tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Youthful indiscretion + naiveity + infatuation + immaturity + rebellion = another dumbass kid screwing up his (her) life, AND those of several others, all in the interest of "what FEELS right". Pull your head out of that dark, unsanitary place and start thinking for a change, instead of feeling.

I think that arranged marriages are a waist of time. Childrens parents are making them marry someone that they don't even know and maybe not even like. I believe in finding your own love, because its up to you who you want to fall in love with not anyone elses. So this is to all the peoples parents........ let your children choose their own husbands/wives and not you, you bunch of shirtlifters.

I allways do whatever I want to do and I'd want to find someone that I would want to be with... and if I was in an arranged marriage and the guy could cheat on me and I'm supposed to stay "faithful"/// he would learn a lesson fast because I would cheat on him on purpose with whoever and as many people as I want
if your going to let your parents live your lives for U thats just pathetic.... you stick up for yourself and your beliefs and tell your parents where to go.... if they even brought up the idea to me I would start living their life for them and I'd teach them a message......

This is in response to shut up, an arranged marriage does not mean that a husband can cheat on his wife and get away with it. Quite frankly I think that you should probably learn more about the topic before making such a statement. Arranged Marriages are a lot about respect for the institution of marriage also. A lot of people hear different things about these types of marriages but no one seems to take into consideration that all circumstances are different. As to the girl who wrote this article, I think that if they are trying to force you into marriage than that is wrong, a person has a right to choose their own spouse. However, it is possible to do that with what is referred to as an "arranged" marriage, but one doesn't often see that because of cultural traditions. It is wrong to generalize.

i think you should go with your heart do that you'll be fine

Does anyone know any couples who are currently in an arranged marriage and fell in love are are happy? If so I'd like to find out what their secret is.

The secret to a successful arranged marriage is the woman shutting up, and just doing what her parents tell her to do. ;)

It's odd that I came upon this article as I was searching for arranged marriage websites. Anyway, I would just like to say that although most people have a negative perspective on the idea of being arranged in marriage, it doesn't necessarily make it so. First of all, I would like to add that I am a 23 year old East Indian woman, born and raised in Canada. Even though my parents were arranged, they've never enforced their beliefs on me. I believe that arranged marriages are a lot better than what most people imagine. Since I began dating, I’ve found myself always with the wrong person, but now I can be sure that my parents will at least find a decent, educated, well-rounded potential mate for me. So, basically the only thing that arranged marriages really are, are blind dates…and what is so wrong with that!!!

In Western society arranged marriages are more “modernized” and consist of parents merely being the middle people in you meeting potential mates. As I mentioned above, I was looking for a website a friend had recommended for arranged marriage listings. I have been seeing potential marriage partners for the past 8 months. Just because my parents introduced us doesn’t mean that were automatically going to end up together. What usually happens is that my mom will mention a guy to me and he’ll call me. Then we’ll go out for coffee, see if we have anything in common and take it from their. I love this idea because now I don’t have to go out to seek potential partners, because they all come to me!!!

i think arranged marriages are shit i would never let my parents choose who i have to be with 4 the rest of my life what if you dont even like the person then you will have an unhappy life

well ...
Let me remind all those ppl who think indian marriages work and last forever .... Well TRUE it does, but why .... Bcos of fear of society , fear of divorce, fear of oh what will others say .. Being an Indian, i believe its morals and education that make us true indians... haent u guys heard of so many extra maritals, girls n guys eloping in INDIA ...

I am educated and I know what to look for in a man ... and i am all for my family and traditions .... BUT i would never go for an arranged marriage if i have found a man whom i love and respect and who loves me and respects me in return ... Why the hell would i forsake him and marry some "rich" and "handsome" guy of my own caste .. who could be a "crook" and with whom i can not be compatible ...
DOnt tell me you guys can find out if the arranged person is compatible with you in just 1-2 weeks ... Thats BullShit ....

All this happens in villages ... and amongst UNEDUCATED people !!!!!!

So its absoluteky right if anybody finds a Good Indian to marry ..different caste ..whatever !! BUT FOOLISH AND PITIFUL if you marry a supposedly "GOOD PERSON" ur parents choose with whom u may never be compatible or fall in love after u get married ...

LONG LIVE LOVE MARRIAGES!!!!

I know a woman who is from Pakistan,(although she has lived in America all of her life), she is 20years old and her mother is forcing her to marry a man from Pakistan becasue it was one of her father's last wishes before he died. This woman does not want to marry this man and fears for her life. She has run away from her family and is afraid they will hurt her if they find her. Is there any advice I can give her. She said if she marries this man and gets a divorce, she will never be able to remarry to a person she really likes, because divorce is looked down upon.

People have been brainwashed by the English movies and their interpretations of arranged marriages being a bad thing. It really depends on the way your mind wants to interpret it, people!

I think that a common misconception is that all arranged marriages suck ass. They dont. If getting an arranged marriage is what is best for a person, they can choose to do it and be very happy for many reasons, while facing other difficulties for other reasons. If however someone happens to fall in love, then OF COURSE letting that person go and going into an arranged marriage so as not to disrupt the status quo is wrong. If a person has found the person they want to be with on their own, they will go ahead and marry them and be happy in their own ways and face certain difficulties as well. Their are difficulties in all marriages. If you find someone on your own, that is best for you to be with them. If you dont find someone on your own and are open to being introduced to other singles by your parents, then that is what is best for you. Neither system is wrong; what is "right" differs on a person-by-person basis when it comes to marriage, that's all.

By the way, I am currently trying to convince my parents to allow me to marry my love, who is not in my caste. For me, getting a love marriage is what is right. Kudos to the author of the article and hope that all goes well.

"I am currently trying to convince my parents to allow me to marry my love, who is not in my caste."

Are you going to tell your parents that arranged marriages can be good, but aren't for everyone, and you're one such person they're not good for? Think they'll agree with you? What are you going to do if they don't?

Wouldn't it just be a teensy bit easier if there were no arranged marriage to contend with at all?

Yes, it would be a lot easier to get married to my love (without having to convince them) if I didnt have arranged marriages to contend with. what I am trying to say is that they are not wrong, they are just not for me -- and that is what I am having a hard time trying to convince my parents of. Arranged marriages do not need to be abolished -- what needs to be abolished is the belief in some cultures that anything other than an arranged marriage is wrong. This is the belief that I am currently banging my head up against.

By the way, if my parents are not convinced, I will go ahead with my marriage anyway. I am just giving them a chance to have a part in my life. If they choose to shun me because of this, it is their loss. I tried.

As long as arranged marriages are culturally acceptable even if "optional," married couples will be under intense pressure to bow to their parents' wishes. This will lead to things such as "Oh, you don't HAVE to marry the person we pick. Just as we don't HAVE to leave anything for you in the will, and just as the entire family doesn't HAVE to have anything to do with you, and the entire neighborhood doesn't HAVE to look at you like you're Satan Incarnate. It's entirely your choice."

You sound like you have the strength to resist this. Good. But not everyone does. Parents should be supportive of their children's choices, not actively working contrary to them.

Im on the fence with this issue. Im 22yrs East Indian born and raised in Africa, as well as US. I had a "love marriage" but i dont think having an arranged one would have been that bad. I know my parents would have respected my wishes and not forced me to marry someone unsuitable. The western world who always mocked this tradition is now embracing it. What do u call programs like Bachelor, Meet my Folks? They make a mockery about this b/c they are only trying to win a contest.
Jenny my parents are in an arranged marriage and happy. I asked my mom what the secret was and she said "RESPECT" and "COMPROMISE" sometimes if a woman shuts up its not b/c she is opressed its b/c sometimes she shuts up and sometimes the man shuts up. I know some ppl have it bad, i've heard of girls being jilted on their wedding night! But hey every issue in this world has its PROS and CONS. This tradition has survived generations for even those people who migrated from India. Dont u think there is something right about this institution for it to have lasted so long?

hey i'm from trinidad and tobago in the caribbean and i came across your article, i'm really impressed...your doing the right thing and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. in my country there are many syrians from lebanon and syria and they too had to runaway from arranged marriaige some of them were even disowned by their families. I think everyone is entitled to live their own lives and a marriage is one of the biggest parts of life and if you can't make that big decision on your own...then life is not worth living. ONEs parents should trust their children and rool with the punches and support their children no matter what part they take.. I think parents should guide us not make the decisions for us. Keep up being a STRONG WOMAN.....

Hmm... you do have a good point. The passive-agressive pressure is hitting me full force now and its quite infuriating. What you wrote made me laugh because its so true!

My parents have been bringing up so many examples of people who defied their parents wishes by having love marriages and ended up being very "far" from their community and families, even though the families accepted it/"allowed" it in the end. To my parents, this is proof that a love marriage will ensure alienation. What they fail to think about is, is it that the person is being alienated or is it that they WANTED to get away from the people that caused them so much grief for just being in love, and gravitated towards people who accepted them fully and without reprisal?

Your point about parents actively working contrary to their children's choices is dead on. What I have found with my parents is that they will not rest until they have done everything possible to try and get me to stop this (even if it means saying really hurtful and irrational things) -- that way, (in their minds) they can answer people who ask why I "did this" by saying, "we tried our best to bring her back, but it didn't work". This happens with so many parents -- in order to be able to answer to "the community", they put their kids through hell because they think that is what is best to do as parents. They can hold their heads somewhat high if they pull out all the stops to try and change the kids' mind and "bring them back", not realizing that they are just pushing their child farther and farther away. Then, years down the road, they sit there and cry and wonder why their kid isn't close to them, and chalk it up to being because they had a "love marriage".

I hope that my parents will evolve but I'm not hedging any bets on it. If their ignorance makes them lose closeness with their daughter, it is their loss, not mine. As for me, sometimes I just think about how much crap I have put up with and marvel that I still stay close to them. I'm going to make it, though, and regardless of what anyone else says or does, I will stay true to myself and the strong values I have learned from both the Indian and Canadian sides of my upbringing.

I have just been reading through some of these comments, and my god what is wrong with some of these people? How long will it take for people to understand that there is a difference between a "forced" marriage and an "arranged" one. I mean Another soul just made a comment expaining what modern arranged marriage is and directly after that Jade writes about how "i would never let my parens choose who I would have to be with 4 the rest of my life" Can people not read? Arranged marriages are not about someone choosig your spouse for you! The individual still has the choice, if they didn't then it would be a FORCED marriage.

Also in addition, Jeff you said that the only way a someone could be happy in an arranged marriage is if they shut up and listen to what their parents tell them to do. This is bullshit. If someone is having problems with their parents understanding their point of view this is a problem between the parent and child, in a healthy parent and child relationship this shouldn't be a problem. Plus I am a women born in America, raised in America,happens to be of indian nationality,and who wouldn't let my prent FORCE me into marriage. Having said that, I have known many different friends of our family with my similar background who have had "arranged" marriages and they are very successful marriages.Mostly because the two individuals care about and respect one another and work hard at maintaining their relationship. That is what all marriages are about, arranged or otherwise. Not to mention they all of these couples happen to be very much in Love!

Please let us try and respect different cultures and ideas.

wagwan to all da ppl dat havin arranged marriages. follow ur heart..
n fuk all!!!!!!!!! boah to all da bengali's

>How long will it take for people to understand that there >is a difference between a "forced" marriage and >an "arranged" one.

Yes. The term "forced" is more honest.

>Arranged marriages are not about someone choosig your >spouse for you! The individual still has the choice, if >they didn't then it would be a FORCED marriage.

And force comes in many packages. Putting a gun to your head is one way. Saying "Of course honey, you don't have to marry the person we find for you. Just as we don't have to disown you" is another. The parents making it obvious that they will always treat the potential spouse you choose as a non-entity is still another.

>I have known many different friends of our family with my >similar background who have had "arranged" marriages and >they are very successful marriages.

Define "successful." As in, "didn't end in divorce"? What would happen if one of them suggested divorce? My guess is that there would be a major uproar, more so than most divorces.

Another question: suppose you or one of your friends were a lesbian. Would the parents graciously look for a lesbian to marry their daughter?

>Please let us try and respect different cultures and ideas.

Oh, I love that line. Nazi Germany was a different culture and had different ideas. How about fanatical religions who feel justified strapping dynamite to their followers and sending them into discos? How much respect do you have for those cultures?

...... maybe that's what we have been missing from our western society ..... responsibility, accountability, respect, tolerance, compromise ......

how many people use dating services or meet people though friends ?????

would these also be considered arranged if they ended up in marriage ?????

is the purpose of an arranged mariage to find a person to make the child happy, or to make the parents happy with their choice for their child ?????

Is there still a large difference in castes in the western world ?????

I have only one issue with arranged marriages in western society ..... what are the true intentions of the parents involved ?????

woohoo! our names are on the internet!

you aint seen anything so beautiful till you see me.i want to be in an arranged marriage with Brad Pitt!oh yeh, i am!whoops.den is an ugly momma

I want to start off by saying that I love this site, I think it is pretty hilarious sometimes. In addition, Jason! What can I say except that I have read some of your other postings and I must say that you are one smart guy, you know how to argue. I am impressed. I must say however that I am annoyed by what seems to be a lack of effort on your part in trying to understand both sides of this issue. I am not asking you to change your mind rather, give credit where it is due. I don't think you even care what anyone types in as a response to you, I mean right know I am typing this wondering why I should even bother refuting you because it's not as if it will make any sort of difference in your mind, will you even pay attention to what I have to say? I love your sarcasm, really I do, but doesn't it ever stop? I just wish that perhaps you might try and see that maybe others have good points in defense of arranged marriages. So even though I have a feeling that I will be writing this in vain, oh well...

First, I agree with you. Force comes in all shapes and forms, but if your parents are going to disown you for living your life then obviously you and your parents are the one's with the problem. Jason, you said that wouldn't it be easier if there was no idea of arranged marriage to contend with- maybe it would be easier, except what about all those out there who actually want an arranged marriage, when it is done correctly, please do not roll your eyes at this because though they may be a minority,has anyone considered them?

I think that before I go any further, I should clarify what I mean by arranged marriage. See when I think arranged marriage, I think marriage without dating. At least not the typical form of dating. The two people still get to know one another for however long a period of time they choose. “Arranged” is a horrible term for the type of marriage I am referring to for it implies the wrong things. For example a girl telling her parents about a guy that she wants to marry, and then the two families meeting, people call that an arranged marriage yet wasn’t it the girl who “found” the boy she wanted? If your parents do not approve of who you want to marry, again you and your parents need to work that out. Jason you spoke of how parents will alienate their child if they refuse to have an arranged marriage and/or marry someone that they don’t approve of. True, but doesn’t that also happen in non arranged marriages or “love” marriages? There are plenty examples of how parents refuse to accept the person their child chooses, and not all of them want to arrange their child’s marriage.

You asked what I meant by successful, I did NOT mean "didn’t end in divorce". I meant a relationship where two people truly love and care for one another and who respect each other. Thought that couldn’t exist in an arranged marriage? Well it does. To point out all the bad arranged marriages as an example of how women are being oppressed by this concept of “arranged” marriages is strange to me because what about the examples of couples who get married because they are so in “love” and the wife ends up being physically abused? Are all “love” marriages wrong now too? You also asked me about what would happen if one of my friends got a divorce, you automatically took the stereotype and said that it would have been an uproar. Well, guess what? My aunt had an arranged marriage and then she got a divorce. Am I still allowed to speak with her?! Of course I am, and my family feels that she did the right thing ( I am wondering if you are doubting this, but I know it is true, you can believe what you want). I am aware that not everyone’s family is as understanding as mine, but to claim an absolute, that all arranged marriages are wrong is simply not true.

You asked what if one of my friends was a lesbian, are you now assuming that all Indians are prejudice against homosexuals? I don’t know what would have happened, but that doesn’t at all relate to arranged marriages. If someone’s parents are upset by their child’s sexual preference then that is yet again a matter the parent and child have to discuss. Lastly I must admit my last statement about respecting other cultures and stuff was corny and dumb. Sorry. But I am pissed about your response to that, and this is completely separate from arranged marriages.

When you say fanatical religion, are you making an uneducated comment about Islam? If so, who do you think you are? How many Muslims do you know? I respect you Jason, I didn’t expect you to feed into media brainwashing. I am NOT defending suicide bombings our anything of that sort. I just think that your labeling an entire religion as fanatical is disgusting. It is blind comments such as this that make it so hard for the normal (it is a vague term-sorry) people of the world to break down the barriers of prejudice. Do you think that saying something like that, helps the relationships between Muslims and the rest of the world? No it doesn’t. All it does is create more confusion and hate. I don’t want to be cheesy so that is where I am going to stop. I can only hope that you or anyone else read this and gave a damn.

I must say however that I am annoyed by what seems to be a lack of effort on your part in trying to understand both sides of this issue.

Perhaps I am unduly influenced by the thought of my parents arranging my marriage. In which case the priesthood would be the only sensible recourse.

I love your sarcasm, really I do, but doesn't it ever stop?

Yes. Yes it does.

what about all those out there who actually want an arranged marriage, when it is done correctly, please do not roll your eyes at this because though they may be a minority,has anyone considered them?

I’m all for choices. So if you wanted to entrust someone else with such an important task, go for it. I sincerely question the wisdom of it though.

For example a girl telling her parents about a guy that she wants to marry, and then the two families meeting, people call that an arranged marriage yet wasn’t it the girl who “found” the boy she wanted?

This sounds more like a non-arranged marriage to me. If the parents on either side have to give any kind of “approval” before the marriage goes forward, that would be an arranged marriage at least in part.

What I object to is parents asserting authority, real or imagined, on family members that have been emancipated. If that happens in any kind of marriage, in any kind of culture, I am against it.

Jason you spoke of how parents will alienate their child if they refuse to have an arranged marriage and/or marry someone that they don’t approve of. True, but doesn’t that also happen in non arranged marriages or “love” marriages?

Yes, it happens all the time. But in societies where an arranged marriage is not only acceptable, but expected, the parents have far more influence.

I meant a relationship where two people truly love and care for one another and who respect each other. Thought that couldn’t exist in an arranged marriage?

I didn’t say it was impossible. But nothing is paradise if you can’t leave it or don’t choose to enter of your own volition.

what about the examples of couples who get married because they are so in “love” and the wife ends up being physically abused? Are all “love” marriages wrong now too?

All marriages in which abuse occurs are wrong. In the case of an arranged marriage, I know divorce is possible, but now the abused person also has the additional pleasure of explaining to the parents that their choice was less than stellar. I suspect that may cause the abused person to remain in the relationship longer.

I am aware that not everyone’s family is as understanding as mine, but to claim an absolute, that all arranged marriages are wrong is simply not true.
I believe every word you said is true. That includes “not everyone’s family is as understanding as mine.”

Therein lies the problem.

You asked what if one of my friends was a lesbian, are you now assuming that all Indians are prejudice against homosexuals?

Not at all. But arranged marriages stem from a more traditional way of thinking. Tradition rarely extends to alternative lifestyles.

The author of that article describes why she is not considered an ideal catch for an arranged marriage. One of the criteria is that her hair is too short. Another is that she is too independent. And it’s not just one potential mother-in-law, it’s several. I find it difficult to believe that these women, whose checklist is very shallow, would just shrug their shoulders and start looking for a wife for their daughter instead of a husband.
When you say fanatical religion, are you making an uneducated comment about Islam? If so, who do you think you are? How many Muslims do you know? I respect you Jason, I didn’t expect you to feed into media brainwashing.

Now who brought up Islam? You did! Why did you automatically assume that I was talking about Islam when I said “fanatical religion?” What are you, racist or something? Fanatical Christian groups have been known to bomb abortion clinics you know! Some of them like to run off into the woods, kill reporters and drink poisoned Kool-Aid too! I shudder think we live in a world with ignorant people like you who automatically think “Islam” when “fanatical religion” is mentioned!

I hope my point is clear.

>What I object to is parents asserting authority, real or imagined, on family members that have been emancipated. If that happens in any kind of marriage, in any kind of culture, I am against it.<

I agree!You are right, I suppose then that our views are the same on this topic. To me arranged marriage has too many different definitions, to different people. I guess then what I was defending, isn't what you consider an arranged marriage; that is okay because what you are opposed to is the same as what I am opposed too. Funny how that turned out!

>I shudder think we live in a world with ignorant people like you who automatically think “Islam” when “fanatical religion” is mentioned!<

I am not ignorant. Nor do I think "islam" when "fanatical religion is mentioned. I jumped to a conclusion as well as down your throat, I apologize. I agree that maybe that is the problem, people assuming. I am unhappy to think that maybe momentarily I contributed to that. What you typed about me bringing it up in the first place was actually what I was thinking after I typed and submitted that. We all make mistakes, I was kicking myself afterward for jumping to that conclusion. However my experience with people on that subject has kind of altered my perception of the world, it had been a bad day.

I am not that great at confrontation and I have tired of this discussion. It is done okay? Are we cool?

I am not ignorant. Nor do I think "islam" when "fanatical religion is mentioned.

I guessed as much. I was merely trying to emphasize the folly of that kind of thinking, which you apparently did after writing it.

However my experience with people on that subject has kind of altered my perception of the world, it had been a bad day.

Understood, but this incident illustrates the need to stay sharp. Question everything.

I am not that great at confrontation and I have tired of this discussion. It is done okay? Are we cool?

We're cool. It's all done if you want it to be.

Currently going through my own situation, wherein my parents do not approve of and are pulling out all the stop to keep me from marrying my love, I have learned a few things.

Some families deal with this issue better than others. Some families, such as mine, choose to cling to values and beliefs that have little validity in today's time, in the current place. Bent on the notion that anything other than an arranged marriage is to ensure destruction, my family is convinced they can only allow me to go ahead with this once they have put me through the ringer. They think what they are doing is right -- in their minds, they want to ensure that I am making the best possible decision, and they think that their actions are making me question my decision as any adult should do before they make such a big decision.

In principle, that is great. In principle, before anyone makes a big decision, those around her who care about her will do what they can to make sure that she made her decision soundly and looked at the issue at all angles.

Intent and actions are two different things.

What is happening and what usually happens is families, instead of concentrating on making the child (who is a capable and functioning ADULT) think about all sides of the issue, they do something completely different. They make it not about their child's decision, but about THEM. "What will people say about ME". "I am growing sick with worry". "I am so scared of this happening because it has never happened before, so please spare me this worry". "Have pity for your parents". "This is taking us away from everything we know so please spare us this turmoil." And so on.

True, they may worry because the concept of a non-arranged marriage is so foreign to them. But the worry and concern should go where it belongs -- to the child's future well-being, not to the "what will become of me" mentality.

It just sucks.

Jason, you are dead on to object to the way that parents assert their authority (most often in emotional ways) on family members that have been emacipated. Not only is it wrong, but it is a sure-fire way to make your child become distant from you very fast.

B, I think you are missing the point of what Jason is trying to say. It is not the issue of marriage here, it is the issue of control. And to try and control any other adult by any means is wrong. Too many parents think that they are "so reasonable" for not outright forcing their kids to this or that with harsh words or worse, physical violence. However the use of guilt and pressure to affect their children's actions is as damaging, perhaps even more mentally damaging, to a person that a smack on the face would be.

[This comment was actually mailed to the Editors via our Contact form. It seemed like a shame for it not to be shared. --Ed.]

I too, like many other ppl who have submitted their opinions, am a young East Indian woman growing up in Toronto, and have lived in Canada my whole life. I am 20 years old, and am in love with someone who is not the same religion as me, worse off, he is not from the same background. When ppl speak of arranged marriaged, they talk about a lot more than parents hooking their kids up. The backbone of arranged marriaged is for parents ensuring their childrens' safety and security....I do not contest to that...but what I do argue with, is the belief that ONLY a person of the same religion, of the same background, and from a good social class will bring your child the happiness that they deserve. I have known my boyfriend for 4 years, and even though on the surface to many older East Indian parents he is 100% not acceptable in their eyes as a son-in-law, he is perfect in my eyes.

When I hear of other young girls in my same position, most of them aren't against the whole arranged marraige concept, because like many other ppl have said, it's not forcing 2 strangers to marry each other...it's seeing if you can like who your parents like. Most of them are against WHO they find for their children, and how it's limited to ppl of the same culture. I'm sorry, but raising me in a multicultural place like Toronto has shaped my mentality quite differently than those of my parents growing up in India. There lies the problem: they can't see that. My parents aren't enforcing an arranged marriage on me...he just "has to be Indian". That's the part that kills me...parents will back down from the role of being the arrangers, if their kids can bring home a respectable indian boy on their own. I want to bring home a respectable boy who loves me more than life itself...why isn't that good enough????

i strongly disagree to what u are saying. obey your parents goddamit. why do u think we have the 10 commandments if you were gonna go off by yourself and marriage some sucker. As the negative representative if you're gonna get married by yourself, then run away. IF you won't bey your parents you shouldn't be living off their money.

Are you aware of the existence of other religions such as the Sikhs, Hindus, and Muslims, whose principle text is not the Bible, where the 10 Commandments are found?

hi girl- i totally understand where u are coming from! im an indian girl (19). and although my parents have not started looking for a guy i understand. i think u should do what ur heart tells u! because after reading many of the other comments i dont think ur any less of an indian for feeling the way u do! ur a person and its ur life, ur parents need to understand ur point of view and deal wit it. i understand they have been there for u and wat not- but, will they be there to hear the torments that u may go through (wit ur inconsiderate inlaws)? i think u should keep ur head up and not listen to what all these other people are saying (about u surrendering to ur parents)! GOOD LUCK-

The Old Testiclement is the first book in the exciting and wonderful Muslim religion.

And this is a somewhat unrelated yet very interesting article: http://www.mille.org/scholarship/papers/cookabs.html

Sorry, I had to post it somewhere.

Phew, for a minute I thought you were Aethos finally writing back and undoing all the good work we'd done.

Yes, in fact Islam and Christianity have many simularities, and share common figures, and beliefs. So yes, I should have been a little more careful. I just found it amusing that someone would use the Bible to argue a point about arranged marriages when most cultures that have them are non-Christian.

and of course make a very valid point.

I am of course assuming that pre-arranged marriages were never part of christian culture.

I think there was a time when it was - however I am not knowledgable enough in the matter to make a statement about it.

What I really want to know is what stand does the Catholic church take on gay robot marriages.

The Catholic Church's position on Gay Robot Marriage would be the same as for other homosexuals. According to them, homosexuality itself is not sinful, but to act on homosexual impulses is. So they would be opposed to Gay Robot Marriages, as this would create a situation where Gay Robots would be expected to have sex to consummate the relationship.

Personally, I believe whatever two robots enjoy doing in the privacy of their own home is their business.

I am a gay robot from india and my software pre-conditioned me to be a ungay robot. Anyway, I went with a gay robot friend to the club and caught a virus - now I am a gay robot and unfortunately I was recently programmed by my robot parents to marry a hindu girl robot friend of the family and I am having problems computing.

Can anyone write some code to get me out of this dilema?

Hi.

After reading the views of fellow western asians I want to add my thoughts and feelings on "arranged marriages". I am a 23 year old male, born and educated in England. This time last year my parents began the ball rolling for something that has completely changed my life and me in the process. They introduced me to the love of my life!!

I really don't know where to begin, so I will start from the beginning. 5 years ago, my when I was 18 and about to start university I went on a family holiday to Pakistan. My father arranged my marriage with his half brother's daughter i.e. my half cousin. However my back-stabbing uncle had other plans. We built some housing quarters at the price of £4000 on his land on the pretence he had sold the land to us. But the culture in Pakistan is that of scheming and back-stabbing. He did not want his one and only daughter to leave him to move to England but instead several of his son's. Let me explain. He used the house as leverage and tried to black mail my parents in to arranging my sisters to get married to his sons. Since that day until today we have not spoke or have anything to do with one another. I realised from this experience that getting married to someone from the motherland will result in this type of extortion of our sisters and daughters.

In 1999 I went back again when my sister married a well educated and apparently sensible teacher. Since then my sister has been unhappy. She returned to England and returned to work following her sour experience in Pakistan. She gave birth to a beautiful son who is 2 and a half years old. He has never seen his father and the way my sister feels about him he may never see his father. The sadest part of it all is I have lost a loving and caring sister. She is bitter and very resentful of what she has been through. This is evidence for me that arrange marriages to people from Pakistan will no longer work. Not for me and my family. Why? Because the train of thought is so different and I could write an essay on that alone. All I will say that we (I mean British/Western Asians) seek a partner in life,not the conventional husband or wife, but a friend, someone who we can share our lifes with.

Again my marriage was arranged at the time of my sisters marriage to a girl who had no brothers. But if wasn't her brothers it was her cousins and her uncles. IT MAKES ME SICK!! My blood boils as I realise how people in Pakistan perceive our sisters as meal tickets - a way of getting their sons to Britain so they can make money and support them to the extent that they will no longer have to work and can live of their sons income. Its a way of life for most to leach off their Western relatives!! What happens to our sisters, who want an equal relationship, someone who they can share their lifes with - all aspects of it. I am not saying they should not support their families in Pakistan but should it be at they expense of their own families in Britain. To think that if my brother-in-law was to come here and live separately from my sister just so he could earn his money and send it all home makes me realise how different we are from Pakistani's.
Someone said to me "& you call yourself a Pakistani" after I told them I have no passion for cricket made me think "no I'm not a Pakistani!! I am a British Muslim & this country is my identity", even if its one British asians are having difficulty relating to or recognising. I have represented Britain at international level at my chosen sport. This country has given me an education, supported me through it. I do not think I would have achieved what I have in Pakistan, what with being of a "low cast" and all the coruption and deceit that is embedded even at grass root level. Here asians study together and your achievements speak for you ability not your cast or your financial status. If you do not like another asian its because they are pricks not because they are of a different cast.

So I shall talk about now. A year ago following a bad phase of my life where I failed to realise my dream I went into a slump. Did not want to know what my parents were going on about and did not care. I just wanted to be left alone. My parents found a "rishta" in the extented family. She is a very successful individual, on a good wage and makes a difference in the job she does. And then there was me - a student, who had not realised his dream and did not know what tomorrow held. The idea was ludicrous of me marrying her, but the pressure from my parents and her family resulted in me going to see her.
Following what I saw of her I decided that she was not ready to settle down and neither was I so I called it off.

A few months later I receivde a phone call from her. We talked and from that conversation we both realised that we had to fulfill this duty to out parents and given the choices we had we decided to let out parents persue what they wanted. However we started talking more and more and there came a point when all I could think about was her. But unsure of my feeling for her I refrained from telling her my true emotions and attempted to ascertain her feelings towards me. We had already developed a strong friendship and she helped me acheive my career ambitions. She is a true angel. Then one text message she sent left me breathless. I started having palpitations. I did not know whether I was coming or going.

She told me "She was falling in love with me".
Since that day every moment I think of her & want to be with her. But our marriage is in the summer and we live over 100 miles apart. Its agonising being so far apart. But I belief I have found my soul mate, the person who I was meant to be with, to share my life with.

Maybe things happen for a reason or that they are ordained but I have never been happier and from hating the concept of arranged marriages believing that they do not work I now think that they are not such a bad thing provided that your parents have your best interests at heart and you tell them what you feel and what you want from a partner. My story to me feels like a fairy tale come true & I am looking forward to getting married. I hope all of you find the love of your lifes, and if not then at least the next best thing - HAPPINESS!

BigSexy

THIS IS NOT INDIA. IF YOUR PARENTS WANTED TO KEEP THEIR INDIAN TRADITIONS THEY SHOULD'VE NEVER LEFT INDIA. Just because it may work in india doesnt necessary mean it'll work in other parts of the world.

Glad to hear that people's marriages have worked. However there is no one path for everyone. Just because listening to your parents and understanding your "duty" to them worked out for you, it is not what is best for everyone. No one person can say for sure, or have the right to dictate, what will be best for another person. That is the bottom line.

THose of us who are trying to get our love marriages arent doing so because we are too westernized or because we are afraid of getting arranged marriages or whatnot. Wanting to marry someone you love has nothing to do with rejecting this or that -- it just has to do with loving a person and wanting to be with them and only them. It makes me want to bash my head in when people try and get me "turn around" by telling me that arranged marriages arent so bad, and that there is nothing to be afraid of. Again, wanting to marry the one you love is NOT a rejection of one's culture or tradition -- it is just the acceptance and love of another person, of loving a person based on who them are inside, and not on their culture or religion.

do not marry anyone u dont know! it leads to distrust and arrguments.

Davinder,
Hey, I am an 18 year old sikh, female raised in Toronto Canada. Personally, I believe that you should follow the wishes of your parents and your own happiness. If you find someone who you can see yourself with for the rest of your life, you should get your parents approval by explaining to them why he is the right one for you. Once they see you are truly happy with him, I'm sure they will agree. Remember, his family life is also important. In the Indian culture, religion, education background, family background and especially social class is very important. So, if one of these elements are missing, be sure to exaggerate on something else at least. Fight for the one you love, but also be sure to make your family happy as well. THEN WE CAN ALL GO PARTY SHARTY. -Navi

hey i can understand what are you exactly saying. i am totally agree with you cos i have boyfriend and my family is typical indian family. they don't know about my boyfriend and i know if i tell them they gonna get so mad at me. but i will tell them cos i am going to get marry with him. so it is your life, do whatever you think is best for you. my boyfriend in from sikh religion and he wears turban. but only problem is he is not from my caste. and i know my parents gonna make such a bigggggggggggggg issue about that. this is so stupid. i like my culture, but not in this way. i can understand parents can say whatever they won't but if we choose any guy and he is very nice, from our religion and speaks same language which we do then what is the problem with that?????????????. i don't understand. oh well. again this is your life don't let anybody play with your life. good luck.

my boyfriend in from sikh religion and he wears turban. but only problem is he is not from my caste. and i know my parents gonna make such a bigggggggggggggg issue about that.

You could always point out that the creators of Sikhism created the religion to abolish some of the Indian customs such as Sati (the burning of the widow) as well as the caste system.

As far as my limited knowledge in Sikhism goes, everyone has equal rights irrespective of caste, creed, color, race, sex or religion.

So if your parents complain that he is a different caste, point out that you are all Sikh and if they truly do follow their own religion, it should matter very little.

On a side note, it is almost re-assuring to see that hypocrisy is not just a standard Christian trait :)

leandro

The above has been very interesting reading,but firstly I would like to point out to all the sikhs out there that sikhism was actually created by a hindu and it was the hindus who became sikhs, so really we are all the same,that is hindus and sikhs.

Davinder,I would just like to say you need to stick to your guns and do what you think is right.IF YOUR PARENTS LOVE YOU ENOUGH THEY WILL WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY AND WILL ACCEPT YOUR DECISION.

My situation may be a good guidance, I live in England,my mom came over to the UK at the age of 10 a few years later my dad at 18,came over from punjab, India to marry my mom.They got married(arranged) and they had some rough patches including some domestic violence, which I believe was normal in most households at that time.Myself and my older brother saw this quite often.Now, they are genuinely happy, but I believe it is only because my mom never walked away.She tells me it was because of her pride yet nowadays girls don't think twice!

Girls should not think about pride, ok my parents were ok in the end,but we should not have to put up with nonsense from any man whether it be a boyfriend or husband.

Nowadays marriages breakup whether or not it is arranged but girls find it more difficult to walk from their own chosen husbands because they are afraid of parents saying told you so.

Everyone makes mistakes, but I truly believe every girl out there should find their own partner and it doesn't matter what colour they are or where they come from as long as they are decent, respect you and your family and love you for what you are.

Our Indian boys/men are a joke they shag anything they can expecting it from every girl they meet. Where us silly girls think it is going to be a happy ending and marriage will be on the cards.What a laugh they have and then they say to mommy and daddy 'I want a girl from India' the girls here are too bad. WHO THE HELL HAS DONE THIS TO US VULNERABLE GIRLS.Yes stupid Indian boys who like to have it all ways, and the worst of it is they bring a poor indian girl over and then carry on shagging vulnerables and lie that they are single.I am a social worker I know what it's like over here.Girls are always runnin away cos' of this.

Anyway Davinder and every other girl out there if you have found love and you are sure, stick to it but don't marry them too soon if you are young.You've got to be about 25 to know real love and have seen the world.Be careful and like I said your parents will want you to be happy deep down all they want is for you to make the right choices.

I think, as my parents did,I was 26 when I finally found my partner after a few users, he is white, respects me loves me for me and loves my parents and they think the world of him too.He listens to what I have to say and always talks any problems through.No mother-in law to worry about as she keeps to herself.

We had a civil service like the english in the morning and later had a proper bhangra session in the evening.My parents believed there was no need to have a small wedding as they were happy in every-one knowing & invited 300 guests from their sides and my husband invited his family and friends.I would say I could count the amount of people who did not turn up on 1 hand cos' they did not agree. My parents' answer to that was who gives a shit as long as our children are happy, I now have a little girl who speaks punjabi better than english!

Both my brothers have girlfriends now,and the older is soon to marry his indian girlfriend who he has known since uni but only recently started a relationship with and the younger one has a gori too since school(naughty).

Girls be strong and go with your heart not with the old traditions, we are in the 21st century!

I

i have sat here and read what has gone on and i feel that you should not be forced in anything that you dont want to do i dont really know you but all i say is this i feel treible and i hope everything goes as you want it to be HAVE YOU TRIED TELLING YOUR PERENTS HOW YOU FEEL txt bak luv kellyxxxxxxx

The real issue here is not arranged vs love marriages but power-over hierarchies vs. allowing people to make their own informed choices (e.g. power-with systems). When we have power-over hierarchies, someone else is expressing their will over the will of the people being brought into the marriage. The bride and/or groom don't have a chance to figure out what it is that they want and then they are stuck in a marriage that wasn't necessarily of their chosing. This is not a problem of only arranged marriages. First, let's distinguish between arranged marriages vs. forced marriages. Clearly if someone is forced into marriage, someone is being asked to do something against their will. A forced marriage treats a women and her ability to do housework and raise children (unpaid labor) as something that can be contracted without her agreement to another man/family. This was the original definition of an arranged marriage throughout history and many different cultures engaged in this practice (this included European cultures, Asian cultures and African cultures). Modernized arranged marriages can work, I think, if and only if the couple is given a long time to get to know each other, given no pressure to quickly become engaged, and given the freedom to choose the age at which they will become married. If all three of these conditions are met, I believe we come closer to a cooperative power-with structure where the adult children and their parents can work together without the parents enforcing a decision on the children (enforcing their own will). Of course, this is very unlikely. Many parents with conservative views think it is wrong for a female child, even though she is adult, to live alone. The think that there is a marrigeable age for her and after she grows older than that age, she will be considered too old. They also believe that the woman must be younger than the man so again, the woman is disadvantaged as she is pushed to marry young, before hitting her mid-20s. Maybe she has other plans? Further studies? Starting her own career without being forced to be tied to her husband's career (the city his job is in) and his needs (cooking, cleaning)? Being able to get to know each other and to choose to be engaged after a period of time without pressure to commit is a very difficult thing and this is something that is not just a problem of arranged marriages but of all families, whatever their culture, who have conservative ideas about women: about how they must be protected, sheltered, etc. ...about how men only harbor desires to have sex with women and if women spend to much time along with a man, he will take advantage of her... This creates a web of problems: 1. Two people who will spend their lives together need to get to know each other beforehand. Parents will do whatever they can to hide the faults of their child in order to get them married off. I know of quite a few arranged marriages that were a sham because the parents lied about something serious (mental illnesses, tendencies to violence) which ended up very poorly. But this problem of getting to know each other is something that isn't necessarily a fault of arranged marriages -- it is a fault of parents attempting to control their children to get married quickly. This happens in cultures without arranged marriages too. Which leads to ... 2. Pushing people to get engaged as quickly as possible completely negates a person's will to take control of their own life. It assumes that we all live in a big hierarchy and everyone above you knows what is right for you. Well, sure, we can all learn from each other's wisdom and experience but many people, young and old, make decisions that are driven by their own fears rather than pure compassion and understanding for a situation. Again, this isn't a problem of arranged marriages per se but it is a common problem in found in middle class East Indian families. I know many people who had only known their spouse-to-be for a week before the engagement was called and the marriage date was set. There is too much pressure from the parents for the adult children to make things work, too much excitement set up and too much coercion. 3. If sex is only allowed after marriage but marriage is delayed until mid-to-late 20s, men (and women) are subjected to the ranging hormones and desires that fill them from their teen age years onward. Sex then becomes something that men must have but is forbidden. Studies have shown that this kind of mindset leads to higher levels of rape, gang rape and prostitution. But also, more germane to this discussion, men will seek marriage because they have such a strong desire to get sex, not because they have found the right life-long partner. This problem exists in any culture or sub-culture that highly restricts sexual activity, arranged marriages or not. I am neither for nor against arranged marriages. I am against parents attempting to manage their adult children's lives. I am against patriarchal instituitions that attempt to limit women's contributions to society. And I am against power-hierarchies that are designed to estrange people rather than empower them. If modern arranged marriages allowed the adult children to make all of the decisions *after* meeting potential mates and do it at their own pace without the parents expecting something to happen, it would be almost no more than a blind date. Parents (all cultures, including those that don't support arranged marriages) do this all the time. The problem is that liberalized/modernized arranged marriages as practiced today still come with way too much "expectation" baggage that severely work against the woman. As a post-industrialize society, education is what is valued and marriage is pushed off until age 24-35. We cannot accept that people will not date. This is not only silly, it is dangerous (repressed sexual urge leads to more rape and more prostitution, and potentially more violence against women). While there is nothing wrong with parents introducing adult children to other single people, they must get rid of their baggage to push people into marriage as fast as possible with people they hardly know. Finally, women must stand up and say "no, we don't need to be sheltered."

I amend your parents for wanting to make sure that you are well taken care of but i cannot even start to comprehend marrying someone you do not love. How can you make the decision to marry someone you have not had the chance to really get to know? or even start to love? I believe that family has a very strong influence on marriage but i also believe that the strong base must be love. If you do not have that base then your whole world will collapse whether you will be able to express it or just let it sit inside you forever. Open up your eyes and realize that love is the only way a marraige will work. there is a small possibility of falling in love with your arranged spouse but the risk of not is just too great. Dont take that chance i beg you! Always listen to your heart. Try to help your parents to understand the way you feel, even if they will never change thier mind then wait for an indian that you may fall in love with dont just jump into an arranged marraige!! Theres no need to rush into things especially with how young you all are! Live life to its fullest love with all your heart and never give up on your dreams!

hi every1!!!well having read through most of the comments above...i feel as if ive just been through a rollercoster ride n back to square one:)

well im writing a research paper on arranged vs. love marriages n i would like to ask somebody who is a student of psychology to help me understand the psyche of guys n girls n the first place.

If you are writing a research paper, yet still choose to use phrases such as "guys n girls" then you need more help than this forum can provide.

If you are writing a research paper, yet still choose to use phrases such as "guys n girls" then you need more help than this forum can provide.

Never mind the fact that if anyone here actually understand the psyche of guys n girls they must be someone closely related to a power that be.

leandro

Helles Belles- to even get close to understanding oneself can take nearly a lifetime.

Heres something tho:
Observation vs. Compitition: like birds the ritual of plumage flashing (trying to impress a potential mate w/ ones skills of physical traits) has caused the greater portion of male populaces comptetitive on a deeply rooted level as well as more prone to agression.

This competitive trait also leads many of the growth oriented (willpower, selfdirective states), and selfdriving (inneer need for progression based on selfworth] and obsessive characteristics.

For many female populations it seem that this has developed a more obsevational and appraisal oriented approach, which leads to a psyche that must think far more abstractly. This tends to create (on its positive side) empathy, compassion, creativity and the like. On its negative side it can create paranoia, mood disorders (brought on by keen imagianitive ability out of control), and such.

Thats just on a deep instincual level, which is only really an upwelling of imperitive when you feel it. Now that we have all these social filters things become vastly more complex.

For ex:
Add to the mix that both the already-competeing males must futher compete amongst themselves for status-perks like money, goods, houses etc(the better looking nest); meanwhile the females are in constant gradient-oriented compitition about desirablity to potential mates.

The effect of this is that EVERYONE is basicly estranged from EVERYONE ELSE.

The good thing is that all of the above is based on looking at "people" not a particular person. People have demographics, individuals have potentials.

[BTW: I know that the above is a sexist statement based on the eurocentric model of a household and its gender roles, but I have noticed that due to the patriarchal society dominence that has held on for so long now it is the easiest way to say what I mean and have it quickly understood by those who I am generally talking to. I dont feel right typing s/he. It took me a long time to "one" instead of "he" and really, its the thought that counts- bicker about semantics with the lawyers. Understand the dialects when elsewhere.]

<3
REVSCRJ

i would jus like to say that if ur parents introduce u 2 a person and u r single u should get 2 no that person and u may just fall in love with them.tell ur parents u want 2 get 2 no the person they introduce u2 first.i also agree with love marriages...but if a i was introduced 2 a nice guy and FIT guy i would get to know him

I have read the majority of the comments regarding this topic and it is insane...
Arranged marriages are good for some people however I don't think the parents should force their children to marry in an arranged style if they don't want to. I am a black male and I am happily married to my wife who is Indian (Patel). We met in college and were best of friends and later fell in love. We always had to hide our relationship from the indian society because of what her parents would do. My wife explained the whole theory behind arranged marriages and the reasons behind this custom in their race. We later got married and her parents did not want to come to the wedding because they did not like me and had this stigma about black guys. She did not speak to her parents for two years because she was married to me. Her younger sister got married to a black male as well and her parents really flipped their lid. Her marriage did not work but that is not becasue he was not Indian it was because he was a prick. We have friends that have had arranged marriages and they are very happy in their marriage but they envy us because we followed our hearts. My wife and I have been married for 9 years and we are very much in love. Our son has the best of both worlds because he is multicultural. Parents should have unconditional love for their children. I think there are some Indian parents that are that way but the majority of them do not. They are more concerned about what people will say about them such as they did not raise their children correctly or some bullshit like that. Fuck what people say and let your children make their own decisions whether it is arranged or love. Congratulations to everyone making their own choices in life.

I would like to say I think you should encourage your
parents into not forcing a marrage you don't want on you! I have a friend who was to have an arranged marage, but fortionatly her parents finally consented to letting her lead her own life.

Its hard to encourage your parents not to force you in Indian society. First off, they dont think they are forcing you into anything. They think that by telling you over and over again that they and the rest of the extended family are very very unhappy with your choice in marriage and will never treat your husband the same as a same-caste man, that they are doing you a favour. They think that they are making you take a deep, introspective look into your relationship, life goals, and so on. What they really are doing is making you want to assert your independence more and more and go very far, very fast from them.
They think what they are doing is right. Its hard to encourage them to stop doing what they think is "the right thing to do". When I first started posting on this site, it was right after I told my parents about my intentions of marrying. In the last 10 months I have seen the worst that our society has to offer in terms of prejudice, close-mindedness and unwillingness to change. Arranged marriages are a cancer on our society. No one should be made to feel this way.

Given that I am a grown woman with my own central nervous system, I dont think that I should have to encourage my parents to consent me to lead my own life.

True, they are my parents who gave me life, etc -- but I have to admit that I now recoil in horror when someone tells me that I "owe" my parents because they gave me life. I didn't ask to be born -- it was they who wished for a child, which took its form in me. THEY owe ME! I didn't ask to be born, but if I had, I would have said HELL NO, given a choice to be born into the family and society and circumstances that I am currently in.

Ms. Sangha, I see you wrote this column many years ago. I hope you take joy in the fact that, 6 years later, it is still a forum through which agitated young women like myself can express their frustrations and engage in healthy debate.

Like the author of the article I am also 23, Pakistani-Canadian. Although i was born in Pakistan, i was raised in canada and have thus grown to call it my home. I was raised in a family environment that taught me to embrace both Pakistani and Canadian values. The 'good' from each.

After graduating from college two years ago i fell in love with my best friend who lived in london, england. My parents and family had also moved to England during my first year of college and i was finishing off my program on my own in Canada. I moved to england, having told my parents about my boyfriend and that we wanted to get married. Long story short, they met him.. for some bizarre reason they insisted that I get married to him immediately there and then. He and I both resisted saying we wanted to get engaged, let his younger sister get married, let me get a job in england and settle in and THEN get married.

My parents completely rejected the idea and offered me a choice of either forget him and marry someone they wanted me to marry or leave the house. I chose to leave. I ended up moving in with my boyfriend (he lived in a flat away from his family) for a year. During this time my parents threatened to call the police and have him and his family arrested for 'kidnapping' me.. threatened to call the canadian embassy and have my visa revoked thus forcing me to come back home to them. They tried everything under the sun until finally they decided to use the 'niceness tactics' and told me they were moving to kuwait and if i came with them, i could continue my studies, get engaged to my boyfriend and married whenever I wanted.

My boyfriend talked with my parents and told them his intentions were sincere and that he wanted me to finish my studies compeltely and be qualified for a job and THEN get married as we had both agreed.

My parents gave their word and I moved with them to kuwait. They promised I could go for my studies in the January session of 2003. I moved to kuwait in July of 2002. It is now May 2003, and I have been told by my parents I will never be allowed to marry my boyfriend, I am to start considering marriage to some guys they know and want me to meet. And they will send me for my studies now in September. Thing is, back in January they told me they'd send me in March. In march they said they'd send me in May, and now they are saying in september. I can bet my life that i will be told in september I cannot go and to wait till december now.

My parents are playign the waiting game with me now, make me wait in a country (kuwait) where ihave no friends, no job, no school or university to attend, no social life or outlet whatsoever, away from my boyfriend.... make me wait until i give in and agree to marrying whoever they want and THEN they will let me go.

As a canadian basically being held against my will here in kuwait what can i do???????

JS:

As a canadian basically being held against my will here in kuwait what can i do???????

You should use the advantage of being Canadian. Go to the local Canadian embassy and talk to someone there. I don't recall if there is a Canadian embassy or consulate in Kuwait (I was there a long time ago and never stopped to check) but you can also check in with the British or American consulate, albeit this will make it more difficult to get things done promptly (Canadians that are in countries with no Canadian representation of their country can go to the U.K. or U.S. embassies).

The point here, you can choose whether to stay with the "love" offered by your family, or do something about it.

Do you still have any documents that prove your nationality or did your parents kindly hide those away from you?

Keep us posted.

leandro

my sympathies to you ...

no one should be forced or even pressured into making a decision they don't want to make

I am currently in the same position, except I have given into my parents and accepted to go along with an arranged marriage to a guy I have met only once. On the basis, that they do not broadcast it to the world, for if within the initial stages of getting to know him- I can in thoery back out (I am skeptical of this!). He seems nice enough, but I am not attracted to him. I said yes, because i know that I will have to get married one day and as I am 24 years old and completed my pot grad education- my parents think I am past my due date for marriage. I do not blame them its just the way they were brought up. But I do worry about if I am doing the right thing. Should I go though with it?

Let's get one thing clear here. These are not "Canadians" but Indians and Pakistanis who happen to reside in Canada. Sadly the Canadian government is so corrupt that it will do anything to "bus" in new votes, even to the extent of handing out passports to every pisspot-poor third world ingrate that applies.

I couldn't give a damn if some Paki or Indian is chained to their Roti-pot for the rest of their life by their 'husband'. That is the normal lot of the third world dweller. What I do care about is that yet another dysfunctional cultural troglydite is given a Canadian passport through an arranged marriage and chucked into our midst.

People should goddamn wake up and smell the curry. Our European heritage of freedom and cultural cohesion is under a withering assault by the daily arrival of hordes of these sub-continental beggars.

Taking on the passport of a country used to mean that you would try to fit in and follow the customs of that country. Now, the Pakis, Sikhs and Hindus are running their own goddamn show and are only "Canadian" when it means a financial bail-out.

As for the 'arranged marriage', how about another Indian tradition; the pilgrimage to the holy sites of India. Except this time don't come back.

But I do worry about if I am doing the right thing. Should I go though with it?

This is a question which only you have the answer.

This is a choice you'll have to make

Remember, however, that once made it will be difficult (if not impossible) to go back. And you'll have to live with the rest of your life with the consequences of that choice.

The saying goes "follow your heart" but I think you should follow your brain too.

leandro

>I am 24 years old and completed my pot grad education-

Geeze I completed that during high school.
<3 REVSCRJ

HAHAHAHAHHA

Dolt!

Here in the states they make pointy little sheets you can put over your head to identify yourelf quickly to those higher on the evolutionary totem pole.

<3
REVSCRJ

One of the first steps up the evolutionary scale is to learn how to spell...yourelf!

Come back to me when you start to walk erect and I'll tell you all about how to make fire.

HA!
What a beautiful thing to see after having performed some spoken word for a fair sized crowd and stayed up all night to watch the sunrise. Thanks Kurt.

Sources of my delight:
1. "...by crvj(something!" Kurt Kurt I think the development of eyes and pointy digits came a little earlier than the ability to spell in that rat race to pass genes, but ya missed that one, eh? All you had to do was go "back" or "open in new window" and LO by your definition you'd have looked downright evolved! Kurt, really- seriously, that just made me smile. Thank you.

>One of the first steps up the
>evolutionary scale is to learn >how to spell

See what happens when you ditch both your highschool history and biology classes to smoke pot and watch anime porn? Yeah man the written language the Trillobite was beautiful.:)

>...yourelf!

AHHhhhhh.... Goddamn man... what can I say?
I have an Orc, English is their weak subject.

>Come back to me when you start to walk erect

Are you flirting with me?

> and I'll tell you all about how to make fire.

You ARE arent you?
Thats sweet...

<3
REVSCRJ

I don't think that I have yet read one of these article comments that hasn't degenerated into personal abuse. Why is that? I suppose it's the ill-educated's chance to engage their mental superiors in open combat. But trust me, it just makes anyone educated above high school less inclined to stick their two-cents in. You can't win with trailer-trash!!! Geddit revscrj?

If anyone else wants to stick to the topic, go ahead. I've always figured that those drones of the liberal multi-culti left have had life so easy (through media control etc.)that they have forgotten how to argue. If individuals conflict with their rigid set of beliefs then that person is to be instantly demonized. I won't be drawn in to Springeresque personal clashes, there are toilet cubicles and pens for those so inclined. (Cubicle: entrance free, pen: 1$. Should be within the budget of most welfare cases)

I stand by what I said. Arranged marriages (not to mention lack of hygiene, innate cruelty to animals, endemic corruption, misogynistic traditions, religious fundamentalism etc.)show that Asians need to change their societies, in the manner that Europeans managed to do centuries ago, before they can be deemed fit to live amongst us. Remember the French Revolution, the Renaissance..etc. All of these were bought with the blood of Europeans while their Asian counterparts loafed in the sun. Oh, sorry we stopped all of that through colonisation, didn't we? Otherwise Delhi would look like Paris now right? Hah!!

The problem is that our society was sold out from within by business barons in hand with corrupt politicians years ago in order to deflate wages and encourage liberal voting ghettos. The price is the forceful implantation of alien cultures which best belong in the garbage heaps of Asia and not in modern societies.

That's simply my opinion. I hold it. I don't disparage those who hold contrary views. I just don't agree with you, that's all. Go ahead and hate me...sticks n' stones....

Okay boys and girls. Most of you arent married. Most of you dont have kids. I have both. I have a marriage that was somewhere between arranged and love choice. Want the big bad secret? There isnt one. If you got positive happy folks who want to see you trip marrily down the wedding walk then maybe you can trust thier judgement to help you find Mr or Mrs right. If you get folks that only are concerned about that big bad "face and honor" then you probly need to search solo. Dang people this isnt rocket science but it isnt EASY either. Love is great but respect is better. Sexual attraction is lovely but marital fidelity is more important. Respecting your folks is a commandment but subjucation in marriage is eternal chilhood. Being a dutiful child is fine until you raise your own children in sorrow. See the fine line of life. Every sword has two edges the one that protect and the one that hurts. I have 5 children. I am mormon. I have a very closenit family. I am an american. I have been married for 13 years. Not exactly your "Indian " community but close enough to see the pressures and joys. Arranged marriages are great for some of the people involved and difficult for others. I believe strongly in choice within strong bounderies. I dated at least 15 boys before marriage. I wed a boy I was introduced to through friends. We had frank dicussions on our views and feeling regarding children religion money family ect. When we married I was a virgin. Yet I was no pushover either. I didnt let his mother interfere in our marriage. I think shes rather batty. I never let my mother interfere either. We have a family and I have and identity. I also was a virgin and a very conservative girl. I still follow a conservative view in life but I strongly believe in free choice and respect. I will never understand how any parent who truly loves their child could ever want enything but their happiness. I would never expect my daughters to submit and shut up nor would I ever be happy if my son felt he didnt have the love and respect of his wife. And the reverse is true to. How could I ever watch a daughter in law weep and be unhappy because I felt she wasnt "good enough" What unenlightened and strange people we ahve in the world. Good luck to you all and much happiness in your choices.

Oh curt, you are a obvious illness and for that more noble than the those who skulk.

"[comment strings] degenerated into personal abuse. Why is that?"

This time because a bigot (READ: blind and frightened idiot] let himself be known. As for other times: be more specific.

"I suppose it's the ill-educated's chance to engage their mental superiors in open combat."

HA! Cute. I look at this like exchange of viewpoints and you see it like war. Cartoonish.

"But trust me, it just makes anyone educated above high school less inclined to stick their two-cents in."

.....because the well educated are sheep that cant defend their views? Odd logic you got Bert.

"You can't win with trailer-trash!!! Geddit revscrj?"

Yep.
Youre prone to assumption not based anything but whim. Gotcha.

Insofar as the REPLY pun inherent: duh.

>If individuals conflict
>with their rigid set of beliefs >then that person is to be instantly demonized.

Lemme just say:
"You can't win with trailer-trash!!! Geddit revscrj?"

And furthermore:
"it's the ill-educated's chance to engage their mental superiors"

> I won't be drawn in to Springeresque personal clashes,

HAHAHAHAHAHA!
You are so selfUNaware its a damn riot!

>(not to mention lack of hygiene,

Lack of perfume. We westerners are brainwashed into believing that unless it smells like DuPont its dirty.

>innate cruelty to animals,

Really? Chickens, turkeys and cows too?

>endemic corruption,

Unlike Canada and the US....?

> misogynistic traditions,

Unlike Christianity?

>religious fundamentalism

Unlike Christianity?

>Asians need to change their societies,

Yes. So do we.

>in the manner that Europeans managed to do centuries ago,

Child labor, endentured servents, religious control of education or the manor-serf thing? Which did you mean to refer to?

>Remember the French Revolution,

-where the leaders became as evil as those they replaced in record time? Yes I do.

>the Renaissance

THat time when people allowed foriegn influences to creep in a revitalize their arts? Those open border policies? The focus on expression of truths and echange of beuaty over the withdrawl into nationalistic psychosis? Yep I recall. Do you?

>All of these were bought with >the blood of Europeans while >their Asian counterparts loafed in the sun.

...well, despite that you have no sense of history and are laughably wrong- EVEN if this were true, who was being more evolved here? Was it the killing and dieing slave and slavers? or the relaxed and happy loafers?

>Oh, sorry we stopped all of that
>through colonisation, didn't we? >Otherwise Delhi would look like >Paris now right? Hah!!

Calm down Dirk, youre ranting and dropping into nonsequiter.

>society...within..years ago

I agree, BUT IN ORDER TO CONTROL EVERYONE! So close to seeing but still blind- god man, you are an icon.

>That's simply my opinion. I hold it.

like a flaccid penis

>I don't disparage those who hold contrary views.

I do, when they deserve it.

>Go ahead and hate me

I dont hate you, you are simply an outmoded being. Humanity is slowly evolving past you. You are booklearned but still thick as a moose. You can justify hate to yourself only because you are too blind to your own actions to realize how worthy of hate that you become because of it.

I dont hate you, you are simply sad. So I laugh, and this makes me feel a bit better.

Take care Jerk
<3 REVSCRJ

I don't think that I have yet read one of these article comments that hasn't degenerated into personal abuse. Why is that? I suppose it's the ill-educated's chance to engage their mental superiors in open combat. But trust me, it just makes anyone educated above high school less inclined to stick their two-cents in. You can't win with trailer-trash!!! Geddit revscrj?

If anyone else wants to stick to the topic, go ahead. I've always figured that those drones of the liberal multi-culti left have had life so easy (through media control etc.)that they have forgotten how to argue. If individuals conflict with their rigid set of beliefs then that person is to be instantly demonized. I won't be drawn in to Springeresque personal clashes, there are toilet cubicles and pens for those so inclined. (Cubicle: entrance free, pen: 1$. Should be within the budget of most welfare cases)

I stand by what I said. Arranged marriages (not to mention lack of hygiene, innate cruelty to animals, endemic corruption, misogynistic traditions, religious fundamentalism etc.)show that Asians need to change their societies, in the manner that Europeans managed to do centuries ago, before they can be deemed fit to live amongst us. Remember the French Revolution, the Renaissance..etc. All of these were bought with the blood of Europeans while their Asian counterparts loafed in the sun. Oh, sorry we stopped all of that through colonisation, didn't we? Otherwise Delhi would look like Paris now right? Hah!!

The problem is that our society was sold out from within by business barons in hand with corrupt politicians years ago in order to deflate wages and encourage liberal voting ghettos. The price is the forceful implantation of alien cultures which best belong in the garbage heaps of Asia and not in modern societies.

That's simply my opinion. I hold it. I don't disparage those who hold contrary views. I just don't agree with you, that's all. Go ahead and hate me...sticks n' stones....

Thank you revscrj for the insights on my comments. It has really changed my entire outlook.
I'm going to become a vegan, grow my hair, advocate the legalisation of cannabis, sponsor an Amnesty prisoner, knit an aids quilt, give my entire salary to Free Tibet and hug the first person of colour I see. Satisfied? Now piss off and annoy someone else!

>revscrj['s]... insights on my comments.
>It has really changed my entire outlook.

Well, thats the beauty of ridicule: though I had no expectations in regard to your changing, I figure that if some folks out there may be waffling on that "should I be a racist?" issue, it certainly does leaps and bounds to show which side of the fence the grass is greener. [insert random "pot smoking hippie" comeback]

>I'm going to become a vegan,

Be sure to get protien, I know too many sickly vegetarians/vegans who dont know how to feed themselves.

>advocate the legalisation of cannabis,

'bout time yall mellowed out and got off the bottle.

>sponsor an Amnesty prisoner,

Heh- "Amenesty 2k"- now WE'RE taking prisoners!

>knit an aids quilt,

Wow! Havent heard THAT as an insult since 91 or so.

>give my entire salary to Free Tibet

Dont bother- that was Darwinism at play. If all actions are "equal" so ya cant defend your home you best live in a perfect world...

>and hug the first person of colour

Ever see "All in the family"? Theres a character on it I think you'd like.

>Satisfied?

Sure.
Point proven.

>Now piss off and annoy someone else!

Awww, thats just unkind!
You make me laugh when mostly folk that express opinions like yours make me fear for the species.

...but if thats your way of saying "I cant defend my beliefs" then, with a sigh, I understand and laugh no further.
<3 REVSCRJ

This reminds me of a Star Trek (Original Series and not that heresy with that bald git!) episode I saw where this guy ends up trapped in a corridor between the anti- and matter universes battling a madman at his throat for eternity. So is it with me and my virtual stalker revscrj.

It's like having a school essay marked by a very pedantic and completely humourless righteous monk. Every sentence I write is analysed and given wierd comments mostly decipherable only to this spaced out guardian of the net. So much easier to react than act, to criticise than formulate and to swallow everything without differentiating between irony and opinion. Nonetheless revscrj you are proving a reasonably worthy opponent although your frequent grammatical errors and lousy spelling give off a faint stench of loser. Don't waste time on my account when you should be studying OK? Being a convenience store clerk isn't what it's cracked up to be.

I am determined however not to degenerate into name-calling, tempting as that is to the juvenile within. I wrote, believe it or not, originally to comment on the above article on arranged marriages. My comment is that these problems have only become the concern of the West because of unchecked immigration from cultures incompatible with our western one.

Asians remind me of the slash and burn farmers that spawned them. They have managed to decimate their own countries financially, environmentally, demographically and politically. India is an open sewer where the poor live in it and the rich hold their noses. Africa is a continental mess governed by chimps from hell who are quickly fucking each other into extinction (Nature's way of saying 'Enough!)

Of course what do you do when you've screwed up everything
in your own country and all those around you have done the same? Simple, look to the white man. These were the people who actually gave you order when you were lucky enough to be governed by them. Now they're completing the favour by giving out passports and money.

Beware however when you arrive in your new Eden. There is a price to pay for everything we worked for and through guilt are handing over to you gratis. Gratitude or patriotism towards your new homeland will be strictly frowned upon. All of the West's greatest achievements were made from crimes committed against the coloured man. All of its deficiencies are however the white man's fault. Once you remember this you will progress to resentment, ghettoisation and eventually rioting.

The thing is that your politically correct 'friends' don't quite see you as human. You are not after all accountable for your actions. You are a hapless victim whose fate is decided by the white man exclusively. He, by the way, is accountable for everything. You are an innocent child.

One last thing. A quick citizenship test.
When was the last time you sat in a bar and chewed the fat with the bartender or with your mates? Secondly, when did your sister/wife/mother last do the same? Thirdly, when did you last read a book in English for leisure? Fourthly, when did you last cheer for a team representing the country of which you're now a passport holder?

If you answered 'no' to all of the above then please go back to where you came from and put one of our citizens in a job.

There are things beyond economics that make up a country like allegiance, participation and identifying with the uber culture. You are a brown human tidal wave threatening to obliterate all you admire, that is if you do admire anything but our money.

And now I hand you back to my eternal foe and anally retentive politically correct shadow...Ladies n' gennelmnnn...I give you....in the tie-dye corner..with a record of no wins, 3 grudges and 5 nasty losses...revscrjjjjjjjjjjjjjj...Let's get ready to ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmble!!!!

Kurt... are you are starting flirt again?

>So is it with me and my virtual stalker revscrj.

Ohhhhh its not like that...
I just have this unreasonalbe need to confront ignorance, as well as its shiney yet equally infuriating counterpart innocence.

>Every sentence I write is analysed

Ahhh, I see...
thats why we werent communicating you werent reading AND thinking at the same time! But seriously... what do you do when reading?

>So much easier to react than act, to criticise than formulate

Alas you are right, but not in so far as what I do.
You want a list of things I do to help the world become a better place ACTIVELY then I'll give it. Just say.

>you are proving a reasonably worthy opponent

...here is where again we differ, NOT in appraisal of semantic and their execution, debate tactic- etc... but in that ultimately, despite sarcasm or insult I dont consider you to be an opponent. If you convince me I am wrong I will concede. Why? Because truth is more important than winning.

>grammatical errors and lousy spelling [like "wierd"?]

-are unrelated to the ideas they convey.

>Don't waste time on my account

As stated: I sorely doubt you will be moved by anything I say. Obviously it isnt on your accoint that I do this.

>Being a convenience store clerk is...

-oddly one of the few jobs I havent had

>these problems
>...concern...the West >because of unchecked immigration from >cultures incompatible..ours

...see, here you create a self-fulfilling state. By saying "We cant-" you effectivly create the condition in which you wont.

It is lazy.

>Asians remind me of the slash and burn farmers

that we all came from?

>managed to decimate their own countries financially,

You're Canadian right? HAHAHAHHAHA!
Hooooo!

Sorry. Ahem. Let me rephrase that to say: the diferential of wealth distribution is roughly the same, believe it or not. Sure, you dont see the squallor as exists in many asian countries, the diference is that North Americans have only been at it for a couple of 100 years, and so the resources availible to the average person are far greater than those in ohh say Calcutta. This has nothing to do with race, were the tables turned and anglos were the old civilizations we'd be in the same boat.

BTW: take a look at deforestation charts since the "evolved" white man came to N.America........

>environmentally,

Thats humanity period. The average human produces a gallon of liquid waste / day. Imagine the 6 billion gallon river that flows from us daily. You live deep in the Yukon or something?

>India is an open sewer where the
>poor live in it and the rich hold their noses.

I cant speak a whole lot about Canadian cities aside from a few, but here in the state you just described at least every medium-large size city's downtown. Understood that there is a magnitude difference- again give us time we'll get there. Look what happened to Europe and its sanitation during the... the... well, "now". The blue danube was written as a joke because there was so much shit (literally) in it that it was a murcky brown-green.

Why are things getting a little better? "Liberal drones" like myself (ie the IWW, the Sufferagetes, M.L. King) who FORCED the bastards of the world to NOT dump shit into the rivers, or to stop making 5 year olds work 10 hour days because of a long standing prejudice: the incomprehensible inhumanity of the privilaged toward the poor.

>Africa is a continental mess
>governed by chimps from hell

I agree, but I believe this goes equally for any government that I can think of currently in power.

>who are quickly fucking each >other into extinction >(Nature's way of saying 'Enough!)

Again I agree, but apply it to all races.
What you see is lack of education in Africa. There are areas (Kenya for example) where birthrates are dropping in part due to a massive effort to educate the people to the severity of the global problems.

>what do you do when you've screwed up... your... country...?

The same thing anyone born into a problem thats been growing for 50 generations would do: hate it enough to either try to fix it or flee from it.

>the white man...gave...order when you were... governed by them.

Tell it to the Native Americans. As I am the RevScrj of CoN, the european-christian-culture is the scourge of humanity. There has been godawful amounts of blood death and subjagation due to it that no other culture would dream of condoning.

>Gratitude or patriotism ...strictly frowned upon.

Your sarcasm disturbs me.
You'd rather a nation chanting "Soma soma soma"? I critisize to fight inequity and injustice which builds a better nation. I am oddly a patriot. My nation, however, is "the world" as opposed to America or Canada. [insert "visualize whirled peas comeback"]

>You are not after all accountable for your actions.

Ha! I have no idea what race creed or color you are and I will debate you as quickly as those in an African philosophy list Im on. I dont speak for others, but as far as I am concerned 9 out of 10 people suck. Period. Across the board. This does not mean that they feel less pain or are trash, just that they do the world, themselves and others no good by being. [insert attempt to accuse me of elitism]

>You are an innocent child.

As I said: innocence and ignorance are the same beast and both must be delt with as soon as seen (differing methods of course)

Heres a racism test for you:

If you can insert "uneducated oppressed underminded impoverished culture" for X race of hatred du jour and have the traits end up roughly the same and you STILL have hate, then you are a racist.

>allegiance, participation and identifying with the uber culture.

Agreed.

>You are a brown human tidal wave
>threatening to obliterate all you admire, >that is if you do admire anything but our money.

...here that you show your innate lack of humanity. It is this trait that is so celebrated in the US that causes us to have so many cops serial killers and lawyers: sociopathy.

>I hand you back to my eternal foe

Sigh...

>politically correct shadow...

Heh- I am far from politically correct, but I suppose this is a "relativity" between 2 "battling" "opponents" statement, eh?

>Let's get ready to ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmble!!!!

Ahhh, thanks for that- I havent gotten a good intro in awhile (I used to perform in coreographed wrestling bouts for a variety show I cohosted).

Somehow Kurt, you always make me smile.

<3
REVSCRJ

bitch

Does anyone know of anyone having an arranged marriage here in America who is NOT Indian? Looking to do a documentary. Have a deadline. ASAP!

Listen i think tha there are good and bad points about arranged marrages. That's why my parents are picking out who they like for me and i get the final say. That's how i think my life should so that i don't have to rebbell the world.( sorry i can't spell that good )Talk to your parents and make them see that you get the finnal say in it.

Okay, I understand that people from different countries have different ways of doing things. However, I do not understand the concept of the arranged marriage. I keep reading that an arranged marriage is good, because the parents know who is best suited for their children. My question is this: If the children (who are not exactly children any more) are not smart enough to know who is right for them now, then what makes them smart enough to know who is going to be the right person for their children? After all, if someone could not make a decision in their own life, I don't think I would want them to be making the same decisions in mine.

I totally sympathise with you regarding this matter. My parents are planning the same for me. They have told me they are only willing to accept a hindu, indian girl in their family. Lets not beat about the bush here. What indians call "tradition" is in fact a racist, classist, casteist and prejudiced mentality. I for one know that I will not stand for it any longer. I respect and love my parents, but I cannot support or tolerate a total disregard for sanity.
They should be able to trust me to find the "right" person. I know that I will only set foot on this earth for a window of about 80 years, and I want those years to be filled with joy rather than oppression. If so called "indian culture" were to wake up from its self righteous psychobabble, I would be free from the depression and schizophrenia that has disabled me. If I am given the choice I would rather leave my family to be with someone who can respect my decisions. If not I wil gladly take my life before bowing down to an arranged marriage.

While arranged marraiges may sound barbaric to some cultures, it should be remembered that they are not a new concept. Parents generally want what is best for their children and if they have an arranged marraige themselves, then this should be used as a measure of how succesful or unsuccesful they can be. At least try to meet some of the people your parents have in mind for you. These people are probably in the same boat as you, and if you find that ou don't like anybody your parents have picked for you, tell them, try to reach a compromise. Your Parents are the only ones you are likely to have and it would be a great loss to you to if you can no longer turn to them in times of real trouble. Of course if the idea is really repugnant to you, then you have to be prepared to lose them as a family and make your own way in the World

While arranged marraiges may sound barbaric to some cultures, it should be remembered that they are not a new concept.

So, by the very fact that they're not a new concept, it suddenly makes the concept okay?

At least try to meet some of the people your parents have in mind for you. These people are probably in the same boat as you

Yes: people with no balls to argue against their parents, too afraid to live their own lives and who will later regret what they have done. And once they'll see someone else that is trying to break away from the system, they'll go out of their way to try and stop them.

Of course if the idea is really repugnant to you, then you have to be prepared to lose them as a family and make your own way in the World

In other words, you're too much of a coward to stand up for yourself. Doing so, you seem to imply, means that your family will never speak to you again. Sounds to me you're as backward and barbaric as the very concept you're trying to defend.

leandro

Jan

While arranged marraiges may sound barbaric to some cultures, it should be remembered that they are not a new concept.

Slavery isn't a new concept either. How many people do see standing up for this particular tradition?

Parents generally want what is best for their children

Really? So, an arranged marriage is always about children's happiness, and never about, say, wealth and social position? Parents will always go with happiness over anything else?

By the way, criminals on the street can only kill you. The people who say they "only want what's best for you," they're the ones that can really hurt you.

and if they have an arranged marraige themselves, then this should be used as a measure of how succesful or unsuccesful they can be. At least try to meet some of the people your parents have in mind for you.

The problem with this kind of thinking is that it fools you into thinking you have a free choice when you don't. "Oh, you don't HAVE to marry our choice, honey. Just like we don't HAVE to acknowledge you as our flesh and blood." As long as arranged marriage is culturally acceptable in any form, there will always be undue pressure to bow to parental wishes, regardless of how good their matchmaking instincts prove to be. The fact that an arranged marriage "might work" isn't nearly enough to offset the disadvantages.

These people are probably in the same boat as you, and if you find that ou don't like anybody your parents have picked for you, tell them, try to reach a compromise.

How do you reach a compromise when your parents have picked someone, and you've picked someone else? Become a Mormon and marry them both? Marry one, try them out for a few years, then divorce and try the other one?

Your Parents are the only ones you are likely to have and it would be a great loss to you to if you can no longer turn to them in times of real trouble.

A parent is the source of your biological genesis, so unless you believe in reincarnation, you quite definitely only get one set. And yes, it would indeed be tragic to lose their confidence because you didn't marry who they wanted. It would also be tragic if you spent the rest of your life sleeping next to someone you didn't love.

Of course if the idea is really repugnant to you, then you have to be prepared to lose them as a family and make your own way in the World

Or, as some people call it, be an adult.

You don't mention what happens if you go with your parents' wishes, only to discover they've made a horrible choice. Why is that?

I think arranged marriages are a grey area and work for certain people only. I am a 24 year old asian girl going through hell with the pressure of family wanting me to "get married" and settle down.

They love you but they do this to you. They teach you to be independent and then they want to take it all away from you - is it any wonder that so many asain people suffer from depression.

I have a good education and independent in everyting i do and would not cope living in an extended famly far away from my current life. I am not prepared to loose everything i have worked for for a man i ahrdly know.

I have dated a "white guy" for three years, he broke my heart but i am still a believer in finding a man by chance and getting to know him slowly while falling in love.

Its hard, its either your parents or your future but you have to make yourself happy. But how do you tell them to leave you alone - they just listen and see things the way you do.

In todays society - with so many asian girls with an education and a mind of their own arranged marriages arent the way forward.

i think ur doing the right thing only u no wats best 4 u in my oppinion. think about it imagine u do get married 2 the person ur parents want u 2get married 2 but the marriage doesnt work out whos the first person your going 2 blame? obviously your parents 4 hooking u up with that person.. and the whole family goes through pain u may even start 2 hate them. this is exactly wat happened 2 my sister she woz foced 2 marry. went well 4 2yearz she even loved him. man cheated on her tried 2 kill her kid!now she is divorced but happy and she gettin married again but dis tym its luv marriage sum1 she knows and sum1 she can trust! hope all goes well 4 u

I understand the problems that you and your parents have deal with. My father is Indian and my mother is Caucasian. Originally my father was engaged, however, he decided to break with tradition to marry my mother. Each family had some reservations about the marriage, but when my sister and I were born those were forgotten.

Try to understand that your parents believe they are helping you find a person that will have the same feelings of love that you have. Honor what they are trying to do, pay attention to the men they bring around. But in the end build your life on truth and love.

I have read your story and make me think a lot about it. Both love marriage and arrange marriage depends on the partners. If someone has thought about love marriage means no supports from family or in-law and thats why may break-out soon, or in arrange marriage due to support from family and hence either partnet will think 100 times before shows back, both are not true. The main important point is the stability of either partners mind and love. Even in arrange marrriage, either partnet cant just break it up due to in-laws and family's support but hey they finds the way to break-it. So its not a fundamental truth that either partner will think 100 times before shows back. About love marriage, same could happen but chances of showing back is more.

I like how this person clearly separates the two types of marriage into "love marriages" and "arranged marriages."

Says it all really.

I find arranged marriages to be unfair. I have a feeling that they have a higher divorce rate than voluntary marriages. I wouldn't like to have my mother and father choose my future husband. I'm the one who is going to be sleeping with him. What my parents consider attractive and what I consider attractive are leagues apart. I would rather make such a decision on my own.

i am a 20 year old gurl. i have been going out with my bf for 5 years. when i was 16 i told my parents about him. and told them how serious we were. at first they did not approve but i then sat down with them and explained everything to them. i suggest u be very straight with your parents and get everything out into the open. best of luck

Oh yeah, that was Davinder Sangha

i don't agree with arranged marriages as i think it is your decision on whom you spend your life with,i think your parents are being unreasonable and should let you live your own life because i think that you will never learn from your mistakes if you aren't aloud to breathe.

HEY IM AN ASIAN GAL LIVIN IN ENGLAND N AM ONLY 17 YRS OLD
IV NEVA BIN BAK HOME N IM PROPER SURE DAT I WILL HAV AN ARRANGED MARRIGE TOO Try to understand that your parents believe they are helping you find a person that will have the same feelings of love that you have. Honor what they are trying to do, pay attention to the men they bring around. But in the end build your life on truth and love.

i think you really need to think about your decision as it will effect the rest of your life.i think your parents need to think about you and how you feel not just what they think is right for you.

i come from a background where our parents guide us into what we should do but not tell us what to do.

their is a saying, how can you learn from your mistakes when you can't make any.

it is your decision who you marry just make the right choice or you will stuck being really unhappy for the rest of your life.

i think your parents should respect your decision and stick by you.

at the end of the day, you only live once, so you might aswel be happy while your living it.

i think you should do what you truly feel is right, all i know is that i wouldn't want to be stuck in a relationship when i'm not in love with the man that i wake up with everyday.

be true to your heart, not your parents.

have respect for yourself and say no to your parents, even tho it may be hard.

live your life as you want it to be lived.

goodluck in the future, remember your choosing your own future, its like a dream, you can make anything happen.

I am a caucasian girl of 25 years old who was dating a person of east indian decent for the last five years. During this time we were together he treated me quite awful, always looking to have someone better come along, but I would do when there was nobody else. He was always really flirty with other caucasian girls as well, until one day he upped and dumped me and moved away saying that it was time for him to marry, and I wasn't good enough for him because of his culture. Well you know what if you truly are happy with someone then it is you that are marrying the person and not your mother or father. And in most cases in the last five years, since being around more East Indian males in particular,and being hit on or propositioned by many of the "married" ones,it has just opened my eyes to a really awful way of life for the wives at home being disrespected and cheated on. I say you should live your life the way you want and whatever happens, happens.....Good luck...

I am an American. I know you all must think that American marriages are completely worthless. And i can say that in today's society that the value of a marriage has greatly decreased, to say nothing of the outrageous divorce rate. I know that true, full of love marriages do exsist. I am not married but my brothers and sisters are married. My father passed away 2 years ago and my mother became exceedingly lonely. Last August my mother became remarried and now has a wonderful life. I know that love marriages do exist. My sister, Julia, meet her husband when she was only 14. She 22 now and they're married happily and have a child together. My other sister, Heidi is married but does not have any children. Being in love is a wonderful feeling and no matter what you beleive in God has a plan for you. He will help you to make the right desisions to who you should marry weather it be someone your parents pick or someone you fall madly in love with yourself. Trust your heart follow where it leads you!
God Bless You, Emily

i think ur right arrange marrgaes are absoluetly bullshit i mean whos getting married u or ur parents...i think a woman has to standup for herself now she no longer has to live under her mother in laws rules or even her husbands rules TO AN EXTENT....im Indian as well but im not gona fall in a trap of arrange marrages cuz a woman surely has a right to live.!!!!!!!

What about those of us who are fed up with the "find your own love, sucker"-game, and would rather go through with an arranged marriage? I mean... anyone want to marry a stranger, I'm in!

I have begun to wonder whether there is even really such a thing as a true love sucker...

I'm Indian, live in India, am dating, and am a young woman of 'marriageable age'. That does not, however, mean that I'll marry anyone my parents tell me to. In my honest opinion, anyone who's considering marriage ought to think of this... I don't know who said it, but it's what I believe should be the reason for marrying someone....

'Don't marry someone you can live with. Marry the one you cannot live without.'

I appreciated your comments on arranged marriages. I was dating an Indian for four years and it was a serious relationship. We even had plans to marry someday. He was my best friend and between us we didnt have any problems. I always knew that his parents may not allow him to marry me, but being hopelessly in love I kept persevering--hoping that the "almost impossible" will become possible. The day came that he told his parents. All hell broke loose. To make this story short, he came back to the states engaged to a girl his parents chose for him. They are married now. I can understand his loyalty and his obedience, but I still can't help feeling devastated. I can't help but wish that his parents would have been more understanding--and that they would taken the time to see how much we loved each other.

arranged marriages are blessed and it is choosen by god and your parents do have the right to find you someone who think will be gret for you and to be honest look at love marriages now it's ending up bening like a game and lot's of divorces are going on.......
arrange marriage is the best for the society......

born and bred canadian, 27 yrs old female and I agree with everything in the article.... DONT do what your parents want....i did it. I married arranged ....and my life is hell. Not one day goes by where i dont think about divorce...more like dream about it. My parents are standing behind me on it...said if i wanted to leave him i could.... he has a huge anger problem....i never knew this before...he also has an inferiority complex....i cant beat him at anything...if i get something before him, he tells me he knows my devious mind and that i set him up.... when we were getting to know each other he was sweet, confident, smart....when we got married i realised he wasnt too bright, indecisive, insecure and an overgrown mommys boy.... and that was just him....his parents are the biggest loud mouths....they just talk for the sake of talking...i hate them. The father is a fat ass with a sour puss look on his face always having something bad to say....i'm miserable....dont make the same mistake......

GET A LIFE! REALLY, MARRIAGE ISN'T EVERYTHING!

Arranged marriages are good if your parents would allow you to date the guy for a year...well my parents were not willing to do that and so i decided to find my groom...My parents found me guys that were not compatible and the guy could only talk to me in front of my parents and we cannot have time for oursleves...According to my opinion arranged marriages dont work for me...I am currently in United States completing my bachelors and my fiancee is completing his masters in bioengineering...my parents are against my marriage because i am marrying an American...I have to marry this guy because if i marry somebody my parents choose i would end up leaving the guy...I am ready to go through the consequences of my marriage because this is my decision...Taking a little risk is the fun part of living life...

My parents had an arranged marriage and i saw it falling apart right in front of my eyes...every marriage will have its own problems and it doesnt matter if it is arranged or not...

Anyways if you think you will be happy getting an arranged marriage do that otherwise choose the groom wisely!

Personally I think you sould def respect your parents. but in the end the choice is yours .. you have to live with that person the rest of your life.not our parents. i think our parents who raises us here dont understand that..at times.andsometimes.. parents might not always know whats right... I am not saying you should rebel.. but makes them understand.. why should u spend your life in a miserable marriage...? Parents do want what best.. but sometimes their judgement might get clouded at times. I think the indian culture puts way to much emphasis on status and labels...we raise our kids to be the best dcotors and lawyers but what bout being good human beings as well. well this is just my opinion

you go girl! i'm proud of you. me, a gujarati girl who's going with a wonderful sri lankan guy knows exactly what you feel becasue i also think arranged marriages strictly restrict you to your parents' choices, and so your choices for potential mates can be restricted. don't marry just for tradition, do it for love, and accpet that in any marriage, compromise will have to take place. besides, in india, many spouses still live with their folks for many years after marriage, so you're not given a serious chance to know your mate, since you may not really be yourself when you're around your folks all the time. also, many indian people feel that a common ethnic and religious background mean compatibility, and that they don't even expect a spouse to be a combination of a good lover/friend/companion, which i seriously don't agree with, since if your marriage mostly consists of taking care of elders, raising kids, paying the bills, but little or less empahsis on companionship, respect, and love, that can lead to things like loss of physical and emotional intimacy, problems in communication, and even a loss in trust, if little communication intimately takes place. thus arranged marriages aren't really about love, they're mostly about reproduction, pleasing the parents, being together for the sake of marriage, etc. that's similar to what animals do, for they procreate, but have little intimacy for they're doing it for mostly the sake of it. to be honest, i'm afraid to be with a man who feels love occurs after marriage, since it may not happen, and you may be stuck in a marriage you may regret, so it's better to at least start out loving that person before you marry him/her. that's why i'm with a sri lankan guy. they don't have arranged marriages anymore, and if i can love a guy before i marry him, then it's better. If an indian man cannot offer me love, respect, and devotion before wedlock, why not look elsewhere? indian men are raised to think love is about complementary roles in marriage, and i don't want that. i want a best friend, companion, and lover for life. i honestly wish what i'm doing by going for a non-indian to all indian girls/women. as for divorce rates high in the US, let me tell you that Italy is a western country, but they also have low divorce like india, even though they have love marriages, since their culture and catholic church frowns upon divorce. same thing with communities of christians in nigeria and zambia, who're also strictly against divorce, and among palestinian catholics and egyptian coptic christians too, since i've friends from those countries, and have researched into their culture. so love marriages don't equal divorce, since those countries have low divorce rates with love marriages. do what you feel your heart tells you to do. We all need love in life, and i hope you find it. parents need to realize kids have to grow up. I feel the best system is people can find their own spouses by dating, but if they cannot, their family/freinds can set them up on dates just life in america, as long as it's only an introduction to the person, and no other strings attached.

I understand some of the views expressed in this article. But what do you when you have always obeyed your parents? I found my bf on shaadi.com because my parents wanted me to get an arranged marriage to someone in India. I am from the US and have lived here since the age of 7, so my parents and I agreed that shaadi.com was a half way point. I fell in love with my boyfriend gradually he was and remains a compelete gentlemen. But my parents want me to dump him first the excuse was him and I don't match astrologically and I will have a horrible life with him...this was really shocking to me because overall I have never been told the importance nor cared for or ever believed astrological aspects of our culture. Although I respect it, I have personally never followed it. I love my parents but it hurts me sooo much that they do not care for my happiness and basing things on his family is different, he won't fit into our family and plainly my dad has said, "if you care about MY happiness you'll stop talking to him."

Ironically, my father has asked we get engaged and has meet my bf several times (my bf has had dinner with my family). My bf lives in the east coast so we have a long distance relationship. He is working (manager), getting his mba and does real estate on the side. His parents love me. I cry some days and other days I'm happy I have always been a good daughter, but I love my bf and see him as my husband. I don't understand my parents views? HELP.

> "if you care about MY happiness you'll stop talking to him."

Anyone who uses this kind emotional bully tactic is either coarse, selfish, or stupid and desperately they need to wake up and smell the chai and see people as more than functions or objects. This term in flesh was given to YOU not THEM. Use it as you see fit. IMHO.

<3
REVSCRJ

If he cared about yours he wouldnt have said that