In the Name of the Moon, This Show Will Punish Me

One of the most fun things to do in high school is to play lots of sports, have absolutely no qualms about your weight, and to sleep with many, many people, most of whom have consumed gallons of alcohol and lost their training bra somewhere under your parents bed.

But for those of us who were too busy investing in Oxy and their fine, worthless "pads," one of the most fun things to do is to pick some alternative, "cool" thing to base our life around. For me, it was wrestling. But for a lot of people in the modern adolescent world, the schoolgirl outfit-clad world of Japanese animation provides both sanctuary and a really good way to get your rocks off without making yourself feel dirty. It's just a cartoon, right? As long as you guys don't see the wiener you think it's clean as a sunshine.

Japanese animation (or "anime" as it's called by people who wear X- Men T-shirts) isn't just for guys...no, somewhere amidst the naked schoolgirl robot cat people lies a place for girls as well. Okay, think about ANY creative writing class you've EVER been in. Remember that one girl who never combed her hair and wrote Marilyn Manson lyrics in her notebooks? Okay, think about the girl NEXT to her, the fat one. SHE likes anime because, while the girls are 11 years old and naked most of the time, THEY are the ones with the guns, henceforth providing positive female rolemodels for the aforementioned underprivileged. That, and she thinks it's cool when you see a chick's panties.

America hasn't quite gone mainstream with Japanese animation yet, but the closest we came in the 90's was a retarded little gem called Sailor Moon. Perhaps you've heard of it? It was the show on thirty minutes before you woke up. Wedged between repeats of "Grace Under Fire" and that fat black dude who's always WAY too interested in the weather. I swear, you could whisper something about "cumulonimbus" to that guy and he'd shit himself.

Anyway, it's time to lower your intelligence, strap on your pigtails and cotton panties, and "Meet Sailor Moon!"

THE PLOT

Saying Sailor Moon had a plot is like saying John Stamos has "acting ability." Sure, they TRIED to have a plot (sometimes), but most of the time the show involved 2-20 scantily clad teenagers screaming and throwing things at monsters. This is pretty advanced for the Japanese, though, I mean, think about other great shows they've given us:

Dragonball Z's plot: Poorly drawn people hover around and scream at each other, most of the time doing nothing much at all.

Gundam Wing's plot: Well drawn people hover around in robots and scream at each other, most of the time doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL FOR DOZENS OF EPISODES.

Speed Racer's plot: This guy in a scarf and white slacks likes to drive very fast. His little brother likes hanging out in the trunk and father seems to always be threatening to bash him in the head with a wrench. And his monkey likes candy.

THE "SAILOR SCOUTS"

Hey, I don't know why they called them "scouts" either. Maybe between make-out sessions they sold cookies or made crafts or something.

SAILOR MOON! MOON POW-AAAAH!

Real name: Serena Usagi Yojimbo
Special attacks: "Moon Crystal Power!"
Effects: She stands there holding a sparkly wand. What do YOU think happens?

The protagonist of the show is "Serena," a fourteen-year old Japanese school girl with blonde hair and blue eyes. This puts her in a category with Hispanic blonde-haired blue-eyed Christina Aguilera as, evidently, a Nazi super-soldier. Normally she's clumsy and spends most of the show talking about how much she loves ice cream, but when evil rears it's ugly head she changes clothes and poses until the bad guys run away. Seriously, she just stands there and says goofy shit like "MOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOOOOON....... prism..... fairy.... candy.... handy-dandy.... super fire convoy.... make-up!" and then they're dead. Either I don't get something about Japanese warfare or this is seriously fucked up.

No wonder Japan got the crap kicked out of them in World War II. We didn't even need to nuke them, we could've sent ground-troops in with broomsticks or something, the Japanese soldiers would probably just stand there talking about the power of the moon until we bashed their yellow heads in. That is unless they were being destroyed by a giant turtle, then they'd be running in fear and we'd need roller- skates or something to catch up with them. Roller-skates and broomsticks, there we go.

LUNA or "RUNA"

Luna is Sailor Moon's talking pet cat. She sounds like Angela Lansbury and dishes out great advice like "Sailor Moon! Use your powers to defeat the villain!" Without Luna, Sailor Moon would just stand there posing at the wall all day until she died of starvation. Luna started up the "Sailor Scouts" when she gave all the girls magical pens that gave them the ability to change their clothes in battle. This is useful in battle, because as any fan of animation will tell you, the bad guys won't do anything until you're finished posing.

SAILOR MARS!

Real name: Raye Jet Li How Dong
Special attacks: "Mars Fire Fire Fire Huh-Huh Cool!"
Effects: The attack can make most dumbass kids burn down most trailer parks.

Sailor Mars is the "fire" scout, and the only person on the entire show who looks even remotely Japanese. She wears a kimono, drinks tea, lives in a place with paper walls and knows martial arts. Later on in the series she picks some rice and eats her dog.

Her big attack involves taking little pieces of paper with kanji (Chinese symbols created by panda bears for writing) written on them that cause mean people to become paralyzed. I tried this myself, once. This big idiot in my 10th grade gym class stole my Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper so I wrote "dickhead" on a piece of paper and pelted him upside the head with it. He didn't become paralyzed as much as he got his friends to slam my head in the toilet. Now I've got three chipped teeth and the aftertaste of 8th grader turd water in my mouth for the rest of my life. Thanks a lot, Sailor Moon.

SAILOR JUPITER!

Real Name: Lita Chow Yun Fat Wang
Special attacks: "Jupiter Kill Fat Americans Thunder Dragon!"
Effects: She manages to do cartwheels and maintain her balance while keeping the back of her panties at least twelve feet into her ass.

Sailor Jupiter is the "long-legged huge-knockers" scout. They "say" she's there because she's athletic and has the power of electricity, but please. Jupiter comes in handy when young boys cannot properly masturbate to the more conservative Sailor Mercury.

Her hobbies include swooning over all the anime guys-that-look-like- chicks and cooking, a hobby that EVERY Japanese person should be interested in. I don't live in a country that has a Kitchen Stadium, but THEY DO. That'd be like me living in the same country as Andy Dick and not having a desire to end his life. Possibly with fire. And lots of it.

Sailor Jupiter has also accused Tuxedo Mask of being a homosexual and said she should play Snow White in their school play because she's got the biggest tits. Sailor Jupiter is pretty wickid awesome.

SAILOR MERCURY!

Real name: Ami Kwan Shanghai Pikachu
Special attacks: "Mercury Bubble Blast!"
Effects: She shoots bubbles at people. Then they kick her in the face for being such a fucking retard. Yeah, I'm REAL scared of the "bubble" attack.

As the "bubble scout," Ami must battle every day to keep from killing herself. Sailor Mercury enjoys reading, doing well in school, and using her computer. She exists only in this cartoon and in the minds of everybody who paid to see "Hackers" while it was in the theater.

SAILOR VENUS!

Real name: Mina Kuwaii Dung of Cow
Special attacks: "Japanese Animators Run Out of Ideas....NOW!"
Effects: Thousands of trendy American dorks think any kind of Japanese animation is wonderful, no matter how big a pile of rancid dog-plop it is. Case in point: Tenchi. I'd rather pull my own teeth with a pair of pissed-on pliers than sit through that show.

Sailor Venus is the "experienced" scout who has spent years donning panties to fight monster crime. She calls upon the power of the "crescent" moon to punish evil with her trusty cat sidekick. She is different from Sailor Moon because she has a bow on her head. What I want to know is why these people didn't fight REAL crime. Sure, monsters drop into town, break a few windows, hey, somebody's gotta stop them. But what about street crime? If you were a mugger and you just stole some lady's purse, only to be approached by half a dozen 15 year olds in tutus, would you be scared? This show's just one big commercial for casual rape.

HANDY DANDY EPISODE GUIDE

Every episode of Sailor Moon:

Sailor Moon is eating a lot of food and talking about liking boys. Meanwhile, a feminine guy villain plots to steal negative energy or a magic crystal from an innocent person. The Sailor Scouts change clothes and pose. Feminine guy villain creates a monster out of whatever is lying around (flowers, cargo pants, cheese, etc.). Sailor Moon uses a wand or a broach or panties that make sparkles that kill the bad guy. Cue cheesy themesong.

THE FILMS

Sailor Moon R

The first of the recently re-released Moonie classics involves Tuxedo Mask and his pseudo-relationship with an alien that loves flowers. Actually a pretty moving piece about family and understanding...unless you watch the English version, where the homoerotic undertones that powered the emotions of the characters is replaced by bland drivel about friendship. "There must be some sort of connection between those two!" belts out the American Sailor Moon. Yes, Serena, a connection between the cock and the ass. At the end, she blows up the bad guy with a broach. Hm.

Sailor Moon S

The second movie (and the first to feature the "Indigo Girl fan" Sailor Scouts) is about a villain completely lacking personality that wants to turn the world into ice. The real rice and dog of the plot involves Luna, and her longings to have stinky cat sex with a blonde guy who wants to be an astronaut. If you suspend reality well enough, you feel almost touched by the innocent longings of an intelligent mind searching for honest love. If you watch the American version, it sounds like Angela Lansbury is getting disturbingly horny over some guy. At the end, Sailor Moon blows up the bad guy with a broach. Again.

Sailor Moon Super S

I haven't seen this one in a while, but from what I remember a guy in a big flying ship wants to steal the dreams of children. Vague recollections include the bizarre sexual subtext between Tuxedo Mask and his daughter, and I'm guessing somebody gets blown up with a broach. But I don't want my assumptions to insult the creative integrity of Sailor Moon. After all, when you're assuming you make an "ass" out of "you" and "Meng." And Meng has the fierce Tongan Death Grip. So watch out.

CONTROVERSY

- The show was pulled from the airwaves by several Canadian and American television stations because in later seasons, new Sailor Scouts "Uranus" and "Neptune" appear to be lesbians. "Neptune" of course referring to the Roman God of the Sea, and "Uranus" referring to the place where Neptune gets licked every night. They "appeared" to be lesbians because they always hold hands, have quasi-adopted a child together, and enjoy the music of Ani Difranco. And I think I speak for everyone when I say only pussy college students and dykes listen to THAT shit.

- One of the main villains, "Zoycite" from the Negaverse, appears in the Japanese show as a homosexual. In the American show, Zoycite is completely re-dubbed with a FEMALE voice and treated as a woman, because evidently American children cannot grasp the fact that SOME people actually ENJOY Broadway. Everything works out though, because in the German show Zoycite is quickly murdered.

- The love interest of Sailor Moon, "Tuxedo Mask" (a recurring mysterious character wearing a top-hat and tails) always saves her big-eyed ass by hurling a rose at whatever is about to kill her. That SO doesn't work. One time I went out behind my Aunt's house and pulled up her rose garden. Later on that day I saw my dog getting into a fight with another neighborhood dog, so I chucked a rose at it and stabbed it right in the eye. That fucking dog chased me eight blocks and bit me right in the throat. Way to go, Japan, maybe you should WATCH WHAT YOU'RE PUTTING ON TELEVISION.

Ha ha ha! Of course I'm kidding.

The dog never even touched me, I bashed his head in with a baseball bat. But I hope you've enjoyed my look into the world of Sailor Moon, and will cherish this knowledge we shared every time you decide NOT to wake up at the butt-fuck of morning to watch crappy Japanese television.

If you have any questions about this article or Sailor Moon, or if you have any complains and would like to bitch the staff of Whatever-Dude.com out for "not understanding culture" and "mocking other nationalities," please, remember to finish your Dungeons and Dragons game before e-mailing me.

The dungeon master gets PISSED when you forget to roll.

Hahaha! Losers!

Direct all pimple-ridden hatemail to swan@whatever-dude.com

Disclaimer: Virginia's unofficial expert on all things anime had a crush on me in high school, so don't think my uneducated remarks are uneducated. I'm merely using hyperbole to show how Sailor Moon represents the lowest quality of Japanese animation. I enjoy the works of Miyazaki and Katsuhiro Otomo, and find several of their animated classics to be breathtaking works of art. Especially when plants start raping chicks. That's really cool.

This article is copyright and courtesy of B.It appears here thanks to B's kindness and much of my begging.B can be reached at: swan@whatever-dude.com